Friday, November 30, 2007

Nicotine

Nicotine is THE most addictive substance known to man. I was shocked when I learned this fact. To make matters worse, the companies that produce tobacco products now ADD nicotine to keep people using their products. That really pisses me off and even more determined to free myself from this addiction.

When I decided to give up my vices and get healthy, I gave up alcohol and caffiene surprisingly easy. I didn't sleep well for a week or so but for the amount of booze, java and tea I was consuming it was not that hard to give up. The nicotine is proving to be the most difficult.

For any smokers that happen to read this and you are ready to quit, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW. It is free and they enroll you for online help, mail you a workbook and coaches are available 7 days a week from 7 am-11pm. Although my original goal was to quit on my birthday, I have made progress and I will pry myself from the clutches of nicotine.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Single again

I am getting used to the idea of being single again. I have not felt single since I met Carol. When I met Carol I really had no intentions of marriage again but she stole my heart.

My life since her death has been an emotional roller coaster. The highs wonderful, the lows dreadful, I have learned many things about grief and that much of my grief I dealt with in negative ways. I can concentrate on my own defects and self-improvement now. That is a difficult task when you are emotionally investing heavily in a LDR. I really tried but it was a strain for both of us.

So I am single again until a sneaky woman like Carol catches me off guard. Actually being relieved of that pressure is starting to help me relax and work on me for a change.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Newton's Third Law

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The statement means that in every interaction, there is a pair of forces acting on the two interacting objects. The size of the forces on the first object equals the size of the force on the second object. The direction of the force on the first object is opposite to the direction of the force on the second object. Forces always come in pairs - equal and opposite action-reaction force pairs.

The same can be said for relationships, when the forces of one are wrong, the polarity changes and as once two magnets attracted, they now push away.

NOW I GET IT, just too late.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Still a struggle but I will WIN

I am winning, the cigs are losing. It is a hard battle as the person I want to support is gone. I want so much to connect there but cannot.

Just a loss I have no control over. A loss I wish could have been prevented but out of my hands now. I am to blame but still it hurts, I miss her so much. I can do this without her, I survived Carol's death without her and I will do this alone and come out winning.

I think I found a gym that is right for me, just want my doc to sign off on it before I join. I want my health back, and GD I will get that. I really think that my relationship was not all my fault but that is for another day.

I treated her like a queen in many ways and then not. So it is my fault, but I want to fix me and make sure I never make the same mistakes. I just wish I had not fucked this up but I did and I must live with that. I hope to meet my next queen and not make the same mistakes.

I know I can, I WILL

Ron

Friday, November 23, 2007

I DID it. I QUIT

I finally said goodbye to cigs. I had a procedure called Aurucular Therapy done. The doctor did an evaluation which took longer than the procedure but well worth it. I was brutally honest about every question and he had answers. My lifestyle and habits WILL change.


On my way home, I had the urge but it passed. Then I started thinking about all the good things about not smoking. The biggy was kissing. I have been told by several women that I am awesome at kissing (not bragging). Well if they could get past the smoke smell and still think I am that good, what will happen when my mouth is fresh and free of smoker's breath?

I look forward to kissing again

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

My birthday present to me

Friday November 23rd is my birthday and the last of smoking for me. I am having a procedure done called Auricular Therapy done. I am really excited about getting rid of this vile habit. There so many reasons TO QUIT.

I am also going to put 3 bucks a day in a jar and put that towards a dental cleaning. It will be nice to white teeth not marred by cigarette stains.

Maybe one day I can walk hand in hand with the woman I love without smelling like an ashtray and a pack of cigs in my pockets.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Nothing last forever

It occurred to me as I was installing a new exterior light fixture on my porch that NOTHING lasts forever. THINGS in our lives get lost, broken or just wear out. We replace or repair our things, easy enough.

The same can be said for people in our lives, they die, divorce, break-up or simply fade from our lives. I have much to say about these losses but it just to painful right now.

I have a broken watch on my kitchen island left by a friend who said "just toss it, I'll get a new one". That broken watch is a symbol to me, I refuse to toss something that can be fixed. So for now the watch stays with hope of fixing what it means to me.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Lost Puppy

I woke up this morning feeling so lost. It reminded me of another sad thing that happened when I was 10 or 11 years old. We lived in Redlands, CA and my new puppy ran away or got lost/stolen. I searched for my puppy every day for over a month.

I never did find the little guy and I cried and was sad but I survivied.

Now I feel like the lost puppy who wants to be found. I just hope I find my way home to people who love me. Are they looking for me? Do they care enough to search for me? Did they ever love me? Please find me, I miss you.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

It was time, the right time.

I did it. I purged my cell phone of contacts that are no longer people I call or call me. The really hard one to delete was my speed dial #2 (speed dial # is voice mail). My contact list is down to just a few select now. So the cell phone is fixed.

I also deleted several links to sites I often visited on the web. I guess it is the next right thing for me (swallowing hard) but reality. Thinking my Pogo account is next. I love some of the games but it is just waste of time, but has been fun.

For now, ignorance is bliss. Thanks for reading

Ron

Saturday, November 17, 2007

It is all about ME

For now I am making this blog all about me. Well, I guess mosts blogs are anyway. So todayI am off to:
1) The hobby store to buy parts for a crashed plane.
2) Head to the flying field to have some fun with friends (and probably another crash)
3) Stop at the grocery store for something special for dinner.
4) head to my support group for some much needed interaction with some new friends.
5) Maybe a little TV.

My emotions are all over the board right now, so I am taking some very sour lemons and try to create the sweetest lemonade possible. I will drink of it even though I know the first sips will be bitter. Building my new life, one sip at a time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

End of a relationship

Well, it happened, the relationship I was in is over. I won’t share any details because that is private. None the less it is over and there is nothing I can do about it, I cannot change other’s feelings. Rejections sucks, a kick in the gut I didn’t see coming.

It really sucks because now I must grieve yet another loss in my life. I had such hopes that were just taken away by a phone call.

So now what? As today progressed I had to come up with a self-preservation/sanity plan. I have one of sorts which I am sure will evolve as time marches on.

Rules of my plan
1) Allow myself to grieve this loss.
2) Be selfish for a change (Do not offer support that sucks the life out of ME)
3) See a counselor (Thank God my church offers it for free) I unload for the first time this Friday (Ironic, the day I was heading off to see her).
4) Get my body in better shape (getting bike fixed so I can actually ride it), walk one mile per day (gunna suck in the cold but oh well), going to work on “six pack” abs (and not the kind you get from Corona, LOL)
5) Plan carefully and stick to a schedule that allows productivity and fun things
6) Dig through music collection and find uplifting music to listen to.

It is not perfect, but it is a start. It sure as hell beats a pity party or pining after someone who no longer wishes to have a relationship. I CAN DO THIS!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!