My wife is still dead

In two days, it will be three years since my soul mate died. The date was September 14, 2004; Tuesday at around 1:15 PM she was “declared” brain dead but the head of neurology at one of the best hospitals in St. Louis.

He was a total asshole, treated her like a piece of meat. Dead meat, what a fucker. She was my beloved wife you sorry excuse for a human being, try showing some compassion.

Back to reality, she had her heart attack on Friday September 10, 2004, declared dead on Tuesday September 14, 2004. Now three years later, the date of her death falls on Friday and Friday evenings are hard for me because she fell ill on a Friday afternoon/evening when she should have been coming home to me for a weekend of our usual junk.

She is still dead and I am still alive and my “divorce from hell” was a “cakewalk” compared to losing my Carol. I think this year is even harder than last year, just reality biting me in the ass. I am torn between Carol and my new lover.

I love them both, different yet conflicted. I will always love Carol but I love Alicia with all my heart. She is such an awesome person, yet she is up to her eyeballs in grief. She is moving far, far away to be with her family and I “get that” yet I am not sure what that means for “US” and I want there to be an “US”. Big sigh.

That is my rambling for tonight. I hope it all works out but please pray for Alicia and her boys and her mother and her sister….and and and ….

Ron

Music is my friend

Right now music is my only comfort. Listening to the “Forrest Gump” sound track as I write this entry. Much of the music from that movie is from my childhood and teen years.

I am such a lost puppy right about now. I want so much for Carol to be by my side with a conflicting side story of deep love that would not be possible without her death. THIS really sucks!!!!! My widow friends GET IT, but the rest of the world is DGI about such matters. (BIG SIGH).

How do I resolve that conflict in my feeble little mind, oh and toss in a measure of uncertainty about my second love and I am a total mess. My SO “might” move which in my mind spells the end. Oh, the dread in my mind, the thought of that loss is unspeakable. I REALLY LOVE HER. I really hope it works out but there is only so much that we can control (crossed fingers and heart).

Back to my music.

Ron

Can I Sleep In Your Arms?

Can I Sleep in Your Arms?



Can I sleep in your arms, tonight, lady?
It's so cold lyin' here all alone.
An' I have no hold to hold on you.
An', I assure you, I'll do you no wrong.

Don't know why, but the one I love left me.
Left me lonely an' cold an' so weak.
And I need someone's arms to hold me.
Till I'm strong enough to get back on my feet.

Can I sleep in your arms, tonight, lady?
It's so cold lyin' here all alone.
An' I have no hold to hold on you.
An', I assure you, I'll do you no wrong.

Can I sleep in your arms, tonight, lady?
It's so cold lyin' here all alone.
And I have no hold to hold on you.
An', I assure you, I'll do you no wrong.

I have always been a huge fan of Willie Nelson’s music and this song has a significant place in my grief journey. I cannot believe that the first time I heard this particular song until after Carol’s death. It was one of those profound moments that I will never forget.

As the third anniversary of Carol’s death closes in on me, I find myself turning to music for comfort. Music has brought me joy and comfort since my childhood. I would do almost anything to go back and relive those years, kinda a “do-over” but reality sinks in and I know that just ain’t a happenin’ thing. Oh well, I can dream.

For anyone reading this, I am just rambling about some of the random garbage running through my widow brain. I am determined to toss my “stuff” onto this blog and if it silly who cares if makes me feel better. I feel better.

September 14, 2007 will be 3 years since she died

I have not blogged for a long time. My life and mood since my dear Carol died has been much like a roller coaster, UP and DOWN. I bought a Harley and focused on "being cool" until my back gave out.

My new focus is on facing my grief and "fixing" things in my life that I feel are out of whack. OH that is a long list. More on that later (well maybe).

I have given up the Harley per Dr's orders and found a new hobby. Time to sell that toy and replace it with other toys. Why do I need toys? Did I ever grow up or am I trying to "replace" my loss? That is a struggle for me. There is no hobby that can replace my dear wife.

I feel I am making progress, well at least a little. This blog update is a start. Progress!!! That works for me, for now.

Ron

"Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda" or "What would she have done?"

Today, the weather was spectacular so I rolled a dusty Harley out of the garage for what may be the last ride of the year. I had only clocked +/- 50 miles this entire year because of the back injury. It was awesome to hear the engine roar to life like a moth waiting to emerge from a cocoon. The bike had been hidden away for months in the darkness of the garage begging for a rider. I enjoyed the wind in my face, the vibration of all that power, the sound of barely legal pipes but there was a nagging emptiness. What is it? Hmmmmmm, perhaps the back seat was empty, rear pegs raised, maybe riding Solo was hitting me.

It took me back to a time when Carol had proclaimed that "my next car will be a convertible". I laughed and said it would need to be a FAST convertible. She made that comment in the Spring of 2000 and in May I bought her (ME) a 1990 Corvette convertible with the fast engine and 6 speed manual transmission of MY dreams. She loved that car, she could not believe her eyes. As cars go, it was a fun car and I recall many fun "top down" rides. Sadly, by 2002 the insurance on "our toy" had gone from $450.00 per year to $1,200.00 per year. No tickets, no nothing, just being hyjacked for no real reason. When I cound't find replacement insurance at a reasonable cost, she said "GET RID OF IT". Mind you, she was an accountant, there was no talking about it, the car HAD to go, so I sold it.

I digress, as I was riding today, I started "crunching numbers" on how much the Harley costs compared to miles and if she were here, that damned accountant, she would proclaim "GET RID OF IT". Granted, the Corvette was a "toy", a FUN TOY, but so is the Harley and so now I find myself asking "What would she have done?"

Being widowed, I would set my Harley on fire and cheer as it burned for ONE last moment with Carol. I would trade all my "stuff" to have her back (healthy). Hence, that answers the "woulda, coulda, shoulda". She got her "ragtop" and now I am riding solo.

I hate Grief

How does one resolve their grief of losing the most important person in their life, being their spouse that is dead with the love of a person that is alive and wants to love you?

That is a concept I have been grappling lately. I love my SO with all my heart, yet recently have fallen into an abyss where I just want Carol. I feel so conflicted, confused and unsure. Carol is gone, not by choice, but gone. I will never stop missing her, NEVER. We connected in ways that I could never connect with another person. I may be able to publish some of our antics in future posts, trust me she was “one of a kind”. I miss that, I miss HER, and I friggin’ hate that.

How do we balance our grief with the world in which we are a part of? How can the object of our worldly love accept those thoughts? How do I reconcile that SHE still loves her husband? What does all this mean?????? It means that GRIEF STINKS, oh that is why I started this blog.

Peculiar, but my SO does not care for the word SUCKS, which was always a staple in my vocabulary. I began to use the word STINKS and she found that an acceptable substitute. I find that a decent place to compromise on word usage. I prefer “SUCKS”, she prefers “STINKS”. I never cared for things that STINK, lol. No comment on the word “SUCK”, so don’t GO THERE.

The difference typifies the fact that my Carol was unique and can never be replaced and my SO is unique and also cannot be replaced!!!!!! Any wonder that I am conflicted, confused, and unsure????

Ron

Do we ever stop missing our spouses?

Lately, I find myself missing Carol as I did in the days following her death. Not the gut-wretching, cannot sleep, wishing I would die kind of missing her but rather the kind where I look at the calendar, or feel the chill in the air, or another Friday evening kinda miss her.

I am sure that others who are widowed "get that" but it is how I am feeling lately. I might add that Carol died over two years ago and I feel like it was just yesterday that I kissed her goodbye as we went off to work, that I kissed her goodbye when she was "declared brain dead" at 1:15 PM on September 14, 2004.

Carol, I love you and always will. I miss you more and more each day.

I wonder if it ever gets easier???

Please feel free to post your thoughts or comments.

Regards,

Ron

Hogs Rule and Death Stinks

My hell began on September 10, 2004. My wife Carol had a heart attack at work just before 5:00 PM that Friday evening. I received a call from my stepson Paul telling me that she had choked on an apple "or something" and should call "so and so" at "her number". I called the number, it was the cell number of one of Carol's colleagues.

She told me to head for the hospital near Carol's work. It is one of the largest hospitals in the city, I raced toward that hospital. I called my mother and told her I had a very bad feeling, just pray. I will continue later, I need to go cry even after over two years, it is painful to recount the event.

Ron

My First Entry

I am a new to this thing called blogging. Perhaps with time I will become better, who knows. I work better with things that make lots of noise, like my Harley. 88 Cubic inches of PURE noise, now that is music to the male mind.