How does one resolve their grief of losing the most important person in their life, being their spouse that is dead with the love of a person that is alive and wants to love you?
That is a concept I have been grappling lately. I love my SO with all my heart, yet recently have fallen into an abyss where I just want Carol. I feel so conflicted, confused and unsure. Carol is gone, not by choice, but gone. I will never stop missing her, NEVER. We connected in ways that I could never connect with another person. I may be able to publish some of our antics in future posts, trust me she was “one of a kind”. I miss that, I miss HER, and I friggin’ hate that.
How do we balance our grief with the world in which we are a part of? How can the object of our worldly love accept those thoughts? How do I reconcile that SHE still loves her husband? What does all this mean?????? It means that GRIEF STINKS, oh that is why I started this blog.
Peculiar, but my SO does not care for the word SUCKS, which was always a staple in my vocabulary. I began to use the word STINKS and she found that an acceptable substitute. I find that a decent place to compromise on word usage. I prefer “SUCKS”, she prefers “STINKS”. I never cared for things that STINK, lol. No comment on the word “SUCK”, so don’t GO THERE.
The difference typifies the fact that my Carol was unique and can never be replaced and my SO is unique and also cannot be replaced!!!!!! Any wonder that I am conflicted, confused, and unsure????
Ron
2 comments:
When you divorce or break up with someone, the relationship is ended. When your lover dies, the relationship remains inside you and, in loyalty and love, you wish to "be true" to your beloved. It's harder to start over when what was between you has not ended and never will. That love has it's place inside and of you that will never change.
They are now spirit and soul, you are still flesh. It is not a betrayal of the love you shared in your spirits and souls to love another in a new way and with your flesh.
The new love will be different. Getting to know someone when you "knew everything" about someone is so hard. Sharing those parts of you that were only shared with the previous beloved seems a betrayal. It is not.
Like my mate, yours would have spent her time trying to do things to keep you happy and content. She wants you to have the things you need here. You need to give and receive love while you are here.
Of course you want her back, it is way easier than building a new relationship with another woman! I want the mate, too. I loved men before I had him, however and I will love again, after him. Never in the same way, never so easily perhaps but it will be love.
Again, until we are with them again we can only move forward - in time, in space and in love.
Lossing your best friend ever sucks.
First order of business: (((Ron)))
Ok Mr Blue eyes - my two cents:
I believe that its perfectly normal to miss Carol.
As Valerie stated, it's hard to start over when your love for your wife has never really ended.
I think we widdas dating widdas (hey now there's an idea for a blogsite!) face unique challenges in that respect. We love what we had with our deceased spouses, we miss what we had - but we are simultaneously in love with our "Ch2's". And in the case of widda & widda, it usually goes both ways (ie they feel the same way).
New love IS different, and you know what? I'm so happy that it is. My SO has shown me a whole other side of love, a wonderfully different perspective - and we both cherish so many things that were often pushed to the backburner in our marriages - the things that most non-widowed couples take for granted.
So what's my advice? Keep the lines of communication open - have realistic expectations about grieving (even if it's not active grieving) and appreciate the fact that you have found a new love that's certain to teach you even more about so many aspects of your post-widowed life.
Hope this makes sense!
Hugs
Lisa
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