Changes.................

Changes…………widowhood changes us. We all know it but we all move through it differently. I am not the same person I was when Carol died. I have been to Hell and back since she died but I survived and today I can laugh, cry, remember her, cherish her and not feel bad about feeling good about my “new life”.
I know Carol would want me to be happy, and I am trying to do just that. That is what I would want for her if I had died.

The last few months more changes, more changes, I hate change but this is different. Changes that I can handle from day to day. Just tiny little things such as better weather, less stress, more music, spring blossoms, new friends, letting go of certain things in my life and a new person that can put up with the likes of me, Prayers answered?

I have a new female in my life, her name is Jennifer and she makes me laugh more than ever since Carol died and that is a change I like. Remember I hate change but I need to roll with this……it is different. She is a very special, a caring Lady that somehow “gets” me, and for that I am grateful.

So, my point is change is not always bad (other than losing our spouse) but for now I will enjoy this new change in my life……



There it is, it for the whole world to see but especially for you Jennifer.

Stupid lawnmower!!!

I posted the following on the YWBB:

"Yesterday, I rolled out the riding mower that we bought right after we got married and engage the mowing deck and SNAP the belt breaks. I put it back in the garage and go in search of the owner’s manual. I determined that trying to fix it myself was out of the question.

I look at the receipt, and a flood of emotions rolls out. I could see Carol driving the stupid thing around the yard and court with glee, she wouldn’t mow but she sure enjoyed driving the damned thing. Now the mower is in the shop and if I am lucky I will get back in (drum roll) a month.

The grief or just the memories really choked me up, she died almost four years ago and silly things can still kick me in gut.

Stupid lawn mower did it this time."

GRIEF SUCKS

Only a gay man would act like this........

I love the Rolling Stones but Mick Jagger must be gay........



Ya think? Sorry Mick the tights just don't work for me and what is up with the "fake package"? I bet your groupies are shocked when they see the needle.

I got tagged by Lisa so here goes..............

What I was doing 10 years ago – 1998
1) Proposed to Carol in May
2) Married Carol on October, 10
3) Went to court because my ex wanted more $$$$
4) Bought another rental property
5) Had a wonderful "first" Christmas with Carol and the boys


Five things on my to-do list today
1)Make said to-do list, LOL
2) Called my Doctor
3) Loaded and actually ran the dishwasher
4) Laundry
5)Checked on my mother
****Did all of them, BTW

Snacks I enjoy
1) Popcorn
2) Peanuts
3) Smoked Almonds
4) Chips and Salsa
5) Pie (not telling what kind though)

Things I would do if I were a billionaire
1) Buy a few fast (make that really fast) cars
2) Tell Bill Gates to shove Windows up his ass (would offer to help)
3) Would "set my mother up for life"
4) Sponsor the "MOTHER OF ALL BAGOS", everyone invited
5) Start a scholarship in Carol’s name for kids of widows and widowers

Five of my bad habits
1) I eat way too much junk food
2) I crash too many R/C Airplanes
3) Did I mention I eat way too much junk food?
4) I still smoke, GRRRRRRRRRRR
5) I drive like a maniac and just had to pay for a speeding ticket

Five places I have lived
1) California
2) Kansas
3) Iowa
4) Florida
5) Missouri

Five jobs I've had
1) Mechanic (in high school)
2) Body shop worker (in college)
3) Restaurant manager (first job out of college)
4) A ton of jobs for Fortune 500 Food Company
5) Landlord

Five people I taggeed:
1) Anniegirl
2) Rob
3) Chris (I would have done Nancy but I think she was already marked)
4) Laurazoo
5) Kurt

Time marches on!!!!

Not sleeping well again, not sure why, is it grief? Wish I knew, I wake up wondering lately. I wonder and try to figure it out. When Carol first died, I found myself sleepless often but always found someone to chat with even in the wee hours of the night.

Those people are gone from my life and I wish them the best, perhaps their grief has past. I sometimes wonder why people whom comforted us after our loss just go away, but they do. Many of the people that helped me through my early grief have just gone from my life. I grieve losing them; they really helped me through my darkest hours.

This time last year I was meeting my former SO in the place we first met, just about halfway geographically at the time. Memories I will never forget…..all good memories.

Fast forward to today, that is gone and I have a new SO, I love her and am hopeful for a future with her. We laugh, we cry, mostly we laugh, she is wonderful. My biggest concern is that while I am going to hit four years soon, she is a bit behind me time wise in her grief. I just think time will tell….but as widowed I think we are all hopeful….I am hopefull.

Ron

Spring "to do" list

Spring is here; nice thunderstorm at 3 am kept me awake. Ron is going to need a nap and what a perfect day for one, misty rainy yucky outside. I need to make a “to do” list for spring:

--- Change oil and rotate tires on my truck
--- Wash my truck and get winter salt off
--- Change oil and install new belts on riding mower
--- Buy fresh fuel for mowers, trimmer, leaf blower
--- Fix the chain saw so I can…..
--- Trim Carol’s “AWFUL” plants behind the deck (secretly still hoping it will kill the damned things)
--- Drain the hot tub and refill with fresh water UGH!!
--- Clean and organize the garage AGAIN!!!
--- Probably mow next weekend
--- Go flying, or crash another plane

I really do love spring

For our brave soldiers......may you kick ass and take names

A video dedicated to our brave soldiers, kick ass and take names or just kick some ass guys. My son will soon be deployed and I pray for his safety.......so for all our troops. This vid is for your

Happy Easter

I wanted to wish anyone that stops by Happy Easter!

I enjoyed spending the day with my mother. We talked about Carol and much we miss her, Mom wanted to visit her grave in spite of the cold and rain so I took her and she just lost it. I think she needed a good cry. I am worried about my Mom’s health, she is almost 73 and has a number of health issues. She is always tired and insists she won’t be around much longer. I just wonder if there is "something" she is not telling me and I worry.

I wish I could have spent the day with my Sweetie, but she went to her sister’s for a family gathering there. Maybe next year

Feel free to add me to your blog, and let me know if you would like me to add your blog

If you want to add me to you blog....feel free. If you want me to add you to mine, leave a comment with a link and I will add you to mine. I enjoy so many blogs and have learned much from so many. Below is what I posted on the YWBB.
---------------------------------
To fellow widow/widower bloggers, I read and “lurk” on many blogs. I would like to add links from my blog to other widow blogs but will not do that without permission of the blog owners.

If you wish (or don’t mind me adding) a link to your blog, either post a link here or send me a PM. For those of you that want to add a link to mine, feel free. I find the collective of our thoughts comforting and many of us post thoughts that either do not belong on the YWBB or we hesitate to post there.

If you want me to add a link to your blog, either post a link here or PM.

Ron

More of my sick and twisted humor

You will either love or hate this video. If you love it, you have joined the ranks of the sick and twisted and if not, go read a boring blog (J/K).

My new toy

I doubt this will interest most but I love flying remote control airplanes. I seem to crash more than I fly but I still love the hobby. I recently bought a new plane but the damned thing has a "glitch", cheap electronics, I had to exchange the first two and the third proved equally inferior with "glitching".

"glitching" means that the receiver on the plane picks up interference that causes problems controlling the plane, thus it jumps around. The company that builds the models denies that a problem exists but just put the bird in the air and watch it “glitch”. No big deal if you have enough altitude but upon landing or low altitude fun you risk a crash.

I finally installed new electronics, 2.4 Spektrum to be exact. A damned computer system!!!!! Still have not figured it all out yet but it worked better than the cheap crap that comes with the plane “out of the box”

Anyway, here is a cool video of someone flying the same plane, I love this model. Very cool for a cheap toy.

3 1/2 years ago today.

Three and a half years ago today, the love of my life died. It is hard to believe it is possible that much time has passed and I am still standing. She was the woman I planned to grow old with. I will grow old (however long that is) with fond memories of her though. I will always love you Carol.

It is hard to believe just how much has changed since she died. I had a relationship that lasted over two years. Ultimately that ended but it was comforting at the time and I have no regrets. It showed me that I could love and be loved again. I learned many things about grief and myself (some good, some not so much) but I am sure Carol would have approved.

I am now in a second relationship since Carol’s death and I have no clue where it will go but it feels right and I am sure Carol would approve.

One thing I know for sure is that Carol is with me always, right here in my heart. I love you Carol.

LOUD and PROUD.....Part 2

More LOUD music and Cars......it is what I am about. Carol never bitched when I gave her a Corvette ragtop for her birthday. She never complained about my need for speed, although I was very practical "most" of the time. She did love the 'Vette I gave her, that woman could shift gears faster than most men, all six.

Smart Blonde chick that can run a Corvette to over a 100 MPH, yup Ron is just a putty in her hands. Carol, this is all about you and my missing you dear.......I will always love you

LOUD and PROUD.......a blast from my youth.

Today I just needed to revisit my youth and this song is a favorite. It reminds me of my carefree days when LOUD music, FAST cars, FASTER girls and cold beer were what I lived for. I was a rowdy one, but I sure as hell had some fun. If you like Lynyrd Skynyrd you will enjoy this video. Come on CRANK IT UP, you know you want to.


This was what I drove back in those days, or should I say RACED. I still love fast cars.

The Spring of my widowhood

On the eve of spring, I have been thinking about the seasons and grief. I have always loved spring and fall. Summer is fine but the humidity here can be brutal. I never much liked winter because I hate cold weather.

As the seasons relate to my grief, I think I am finally beginning to feel like it is spring in my life. A time when things begin to grow. Flowers bloom, the grass greens up, the trees blossom and regain their leaves. It is a time of renewal. After 3 ½ years being a widower and I am finally feeling some renewal in my life. I feel alive once again. I met Carol in the spring of the year and although I miss her now as spring approaches, my heart is not heavy with grief as it once was.

This fall, Carol will have been gone for four years. I hope this fall at four years that I can remember her with a smile and the sadness of losing her will not cloud the beauty that fall brings and that she so dearly loved.

The market did it again, go figure?

Dow
-146.70
-1.22%
11,893.69
NASDAQ
-8.01
-0.36%
2,212.49
S&P
-10.97
-0.84%
1,293.37

I know this is going to sound awful but since I bailed out at 13K I want the market to drop like a rocket. When it is stable again (I think it will tank around 10ish) then I will come back and reap a harvest.

Yup, I am a Bear right now. When the market changes, I will become a Bull again. What difference does it make either I growl or I am full of shit? Been told both many times, LOL, and I know both are true. Bear......Bull.....either way just keep an eye out.

Today I say bear, tomorrow is another day where it could change to Bull or Bullshit. Oh wait.....now it is Saturday, we have to wait a few days for it to start over again......damn.

More rantings tomorrow, assuming I am still kicking (OK morbid widow humor). One sleeplesss widower signing off in the wee hours, but I promise I will be back to "mess" with you again.

Ron

Watch your piggy banks

Crude oil hit another record high overnight, almost $106 a barrel!!!! Seems it doesn’t take much to make the market jittery these days. This happened on news of a bombing of a military recruiting center near Times Square and uncertainty as to what OPEC might do with production.

The US Dollar hit another low against the Euro as well. I guess we will be shipping cheaper goods overseas? But what can we ship out? US companies have already moved operations out of the US. I am amazed that anyone here even has a job. One of these days we will all work for Wal-Mart.

The financial markets are not looking so hot either, so I think the Dow and Nasdaq will close lower today and will close lower for the week again. Watch your piggy bank folks.

-------------

Edited to add today's market closings:

Dow 12040.39 -214.60 -1.75%
Nasdaq 2222.50 -52.31 -2.3 %
S & P 500 1304.34 -29.36 -2.2%

Don't speed in Illinois

I was unlucky enough to get a speeding ticket in Illinois last week. A fine member of the Illinois State Police using a Laser Gun just happened to nail me doing 80 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. The fine is not that bad, $75.00 but in order to avoid points they are requiring "driving school".

I have three choices, (A) just pay the fine and take the points. (B) Admit guilt, attend said "driving school" and they will not assess points or (C) ask for a trial (Yeah, right).

So the hassle is trying to figure out how to fulfill the damned "driving school" requirements without driving back to Illinois. Now I must talk to the prosecutor in the county where I got nailed to see if I can take an approved course online, or take on locally that they will honor.

Don’t speed in Illinois!!!!!!! What a pain in the ass.

Sleepless in St. Louis

It is 5 am and the rain woke me up. Carol loved hearing the rain hitting the skylights in our bedroom. She loved the sunshine, rain, snow........it really didn't matter to her what the weather was doing, she enjoyed living.

I sit her missing her and wonder why God is putting me through this Hell called being a widower and I realize that there are so many others in the same boat. The rain hits me again and again, I want it to stop because it reminds me of what I have lost.....my dear wife who loved the sound of the rain. I know I am not alone here, I read other's thoughts on the YWBB and widow blogs and I am once again reminded that I am not special ,yet I want that status.

I want to feel loved again. I want to be held again, I know I can be loved again. Love comes with a price but still we crave it and I have loved after Carol and I have no regrets. I fell in love with a widow after Carol died and I really loved that lady but it didn't work out, lots of reasons but she still holds a special place in my heart, Yes Alicia I will always love you.

I do feel loved by "Q", not ready to reveal who she is but I am sure she feels the same. Back to bed, the rain stopped. I still miss Carol.

I needed to cry today so..............

I listened to this Alan Jackson song again.



Today was one of those beautiful days that Carol always loved. As I was driving along I began to wonder what we would have been doing together. My heart began to ache for Carol again and for the things we didn't get to do since she died that awful day in September 2004.

Thank you Carol for all the love and thanks Alan for helping the tears flow as I continue to grieve the loss of my beloved wife.