I admit to being sad today, I miss my wife. Today would have been one of those days I would have surprised her by calling to tell her I would be sitting outside her work waiting to take her to her favorite lunch spot. I could do that because we owned rental properties in the city and my schedule allowed us that luxury. She never really knew when I would sneak up on her, but she loved it.
I also admit that I have a secret blog where I can write feeling, mostly of sadness, despair and a place where I mostly talk to her. It is my safe place. It is closed and private. It is like my bathroom, the door is closed when I use it.
I guess it's a guy thing. I read other blogs, mostly widows and many of them show their grief openly. I can do that to a degree, but I reserve my most painful thoughts for my private blog. I can go there and sometimes it brings me joy in reading the things I have written about my life with Carol and other times I just sit and cry for all that will never be. I guess I need that private place.
Today I am going to surprise Carol for lunch, if only in my memories.
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It isn't a guy thing at all. I haven't written the worst of my story anywhere but in a paper journal that I keep. One, because I don't feel like I could share everything...without being judge. Two, because I know family members have found, and read my blog.
Often times my husband would call me and say,"I just needed to hear your voice." I would give my life to hear him say that one more time.
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