Being widowed SUCKS

I am dreading Cecil's funeral tomorrow. It is the first funeral I will have attended since Carol's. To make matters worse, it will be held at the same funeral home. I just hate this.

My good friend Cecil died last night.

My good friend Cecil, the President of my flying club died last night. Cecil was an older gentleman and his large intestines burst and he was rushed to surgery late Friday night. Following the surgery, his organs started shutting down and he passed away around 9:30 last night.

One funny story about Cecil, last fall I had a friend passing through St. Louis and I took my friend and children to our field. The older child was hooked. I convinced my friend Matt to give him lessons, so Matt fired up his plane and out they go to the pilot’s box. I took the younger guy out to the picnic table behind the pilot’s box so he could watch his big brother. Meanwhile, my friend is taping the action with a camera. I might add that the older boy did very well flying Matt’s plane and I think they flew twice.

Keep in mind our club has some rules for safety reasons. Anyway, once the fun was over, we departed and the chatter about all the fun began.

A few days later I show up at the field and Cecil wants to chat. Let me rephrase that, he wanted to chew my ass. He asked why I had violated the safety protocols a few days before. I explained (between ass chewings) and he finally understood that we really had done nothing wrong and let it go. He was a feisty old guy, loved by all.

Cecil, I will miss you my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with Don (his son) and Danny (his Grandson) and all his family that I never met.

Memories

Today I was reflecting on different periods of my life. I was trying to recall the first memories as a child and at what age. Most of those memories really began at about age five. Mostly, I recalled the really good and the really bad, but I remember.

Fast forward to 1968 (age 8) to 1972 (age 12), my father was transferred to Redlands, CA. If memory serves me that was grades 4 through 8. In late 1972 we moved again, this time to Wichita, KS. I loved my school(s), friends, and the weather. I hated Wichita, the school sucked, the weather sucked, but I adapted.

I digress, back to those wonder years in southern California. I hated leaving there, I wrote to my best friends for years but that faded away as time moved on. I always wanted to visit someday.

This past summer, I had the good fortune to be close enough to do just that. It was an odd encounter with my past. I stopped at the house I had lived in; I walked the street recalling things I had done there over 30 years ago. I drove to the elementary school and then the Junior High I attended. It was surreal, and in many ways still is. I took lots of photos.

Just a snapshot of my life but still I remember. I will continue to move through periods of my life and just remember.

Feel free to share your memories.

Looks like I dodged a bullet

I had an ultrasound done this morning, they suspected gall stones. They scanned my kidneys, pancreas, liver, gall bladder and maybe a few other parts I forgot. I just got off the phone with my doctor and all my parts looked normal. No gall stones!!!! Looks like my plumbing is all in good shape.

Since I am still weak and sick after two rounds of antibiotics, the doctor thinks I have some kind of super virus. More bed rest, lots of fluids, and eat as much as I can. The nausea and diarrhea are gone so I should be able to gain back some of the weight I lost.

I will be grateful when I have my health back.

Sick of being sick

Had to cancel my appointment with the therapist today. Yesterday, after just a few bites of soup I felt sick to my stomach. Needless to say, I spent some time hugging the toilet, then comes the diarrhea .
I just returned from the doctor and lab. I feel like hell and it has been 26 hours since I have eaten. I am going to stick with water and broth for the time being. Hopefully getting some rest will help me get better.
I have got to heal from this string of illnesses. I have been sick now for an entire month and I am sick of being sick. Enough is enough.


Edited to add: My Doc called and it seems some of the lab results point towards gall stones. Elevated bile in the urine and liver enzymes are elevated too. More tests in the next few days. Ultrasound of the gall bladder and liver, what fun.

Guys and their feelings

I admit to being sad today, I miss my wife. Today would have been one of those days I would have surprised her by calling to tell her I would be sitting outside her work waiting to take her to her favorite lunch spot. I could do that because we owned rental properties in the city and my schedule allowed us that luxury. She never really knew when I would sneak up on her, but she loved it.

I also admit that I have a secret blog where I can write feeling, mostly of sadness, despair and a place where I mostly talk to her. It is my safe place. It is closed and private. It is like my bathroom, the door is closed when I use it.

I guess it's a guy thing. I read other blogs, mostly widows and many of them show their grief openly. I can do that to a degree, but I reserve my most painful thoughts for my private blog. I can go there and sometimes it brings me joy in reading the things I have written about my life with Carol and other times I just sit and cry for all that will never be. I guess I need that private place.

Today I am going to surprise Carol for lunch, if only in my memories.

So far I like Mike

Mike Huckabee that is. I cannot support Hillary because she has already been the prez once. Obama is a brilliant man but just doesn't have enough experience to run this country. Maybe next time around.

McCain switches sides more times than Dick Cheney shoots at his friends. I just don't know who should run the country, I do know that it is time for GW to GO. For now I like Mike.

We shall see.

Guilt

I feel guilt. I feel like I betrayed Carol. She died in September 2004. In February 2005, I met a widow online and we chatted and it was good for both of us.

We ended up meeting months later and it felt good. It was good, that lasted almost 2 and half years, but that guilt ate away. I tried not to let is show, but it stated to show.

Things began to decay, It broke me. I still feel that guilt.

Did I betray my wife? Did I just try to "replace" her? Did I hurt the other person?

I think the answer to all of the above is yes. Guilt, more guilt. I am so sorry for the things I have done. I have so much guilt, but I tried my best. Still feel guilt.

Nothing new until Monday

I thought I had done the right thing by sending my old x-rays to the hospital that rendered the ER services. It appears that the x-rays were read at "urgent care" saw something else. Now I must gather their x-rays and turn them in to radiology at the hospital I was last treated.

Very unsettling, but all I have at this point.

I wish I was not sick......but I am ....

There is a part of me that hopes and dreams that I am sick enough that I will join Carol soon. She treated me with such regard. One of the few that was honest with me. That was huge for me. I will likely need many more tests, but I really don’t want tests if I am really going to die anyway.
I am really OK dying, my problem is letting go of friends that have some problem with whatever I may have done when I was alive. That really bothers me, but nothing I can do about it.
So for anyone that has a problem with me, that is on you. I am at peace with my impending death. You must deal with the rest, just not my problem. Good luck with that.
Ron

Wishing everyone a Happy 2008

I want to wish everyone a Happy and prosperous 2008. 2007 was not such a hot year here for many reasons but I learned a few things along the way.

So here is to a great 2008 for all of us (raising my glass of Gator aid) CHEERS.

Can you tell I am feeling a little better?

Ron

Not sure who reads my blog but.......

I have been sick and still am, so I am taking a break. I feel like crap and need to recover. I am not really sure who reads my blog anyway but I really do feel crappy, so if you do enjoy what what I write, please check back in and comment if you want.

I just do not have the energy to post my mostly useless entries and need to nurse myself back to health, I am not sleeping well, I am just not sleeping so I think anything I might post might be even more useless than ever before. How is that for honesty?

Anyway, for the few who read, send me good vibes please, I just do not feel good but I will be back when I feel better. I do thank the kind words of support that I have received. I am just SO sicky and tired but do appreciate your support.


Ron

Really thought I was going to die

I woke up in the wee hours with excruciating pain in my left lung area, I had been coughing for hours. I couldn't breathe, it was like a knife with every breath. Finally, after gasping for air and writhing in pain not sure I would even see the sun rise, I drove myself to the Emergency Room.

The nurse must have seen that I was in trouble and I was rushed to a room and put on oxygen. The nurse said my lips were slightly blue. They slapped an IV in my wrist and someone was drawing blood, lots of blood. someone came and took x-rays. They put two kinds of medications directly into the IV and within minutes I could breathe, I could actually breathe again.

So in addition to having pneumonia, I had Pleurisy which is an inflammation of the lining of the lungs that causes pain when you take a breath or cough . Countless hours and two shots in the ass later and feeling much better, they finally released me.

The stabbing pains have been reduced to slight discomfort when I do cough. I really did think I was going to die

I have pneumonia

I started feeling BLAH around December 10. I finally went to the Doctor on December 22 and was prescribed one of the cheaper generic antibiotics.

So eight days later my lungs hurt, my ribs hurt, breathing is a real effort and the dizziness was getting worse. This time they take X-rays and there it is. The antibiotic this time was $135.00.
10 pills @13.50 each. I just hope they do the job.

This was fun -- NOT

I passed out three times today. The first time it happened I thought I had tripped on something. The second, I was thinking WTF? Then I stopped by my mothers to drop something off and I passed out again crashing into her kitchen table and chairs. Almost scared the poor women to death.

I figured out that each time I was briefly aware of being dizzy and then WHAM. I also recall that each time I had been sitting and it happened when I stood up. I suspected it somehow related to a medication, so I went on a mission to find out if that was it. The culprit, the nicotine patches I just started wearing.

For now I must be careful when I stand up, but the patch is working and for that I a grateful.

I need to stop living in the past.

For sometime now, I have been trying to live in the past. Stay connected to things that were good. The past is just that, the past. I consider each year a chapter in our lives.

After Carol died, I got stuck and stayed stuck. Some good, some not so much. As 2008 approaches, it will began another chapter in my life.

I have already made many positive changes in my life and that will continue. I am not saying I want to forget the last three and half years, but I will tuck them away neatly and embrace 2008 with a new attitude. I will embrace the new year with anticipation of the many good things that can happen.

2008 will be what I make it.

Voyage of Discover

After meeting with my therapist earlier today, this really inspired me. I hope it inspires you too.



You are the person you have discovered yourself to be. And there is no limit to what you can discover.
The more you live and experience and accomplish, the more fully you evolve. Every moment is an opportunity to add strength and effectiveness to your life.
Every experience helps you more clearly see and understand the magnificent, enormous potential of your life. The joys and the sadness, the pleasures and the frustrations all enable valuable discoveries.
The more fully you understand who you are and what you have, the more effectively you can put it all to use. Take advantage of each opportunity for discovery, in each moment, in each encounter, and in each challenge.
Every experience is a learning experience. Every day is a voyage of discovery.
A lifetime of discovery awaits you right now. Climb aboard, eager and enthusiastic for whatever experience awaits, and begin the journey.
-- Ralph Marston

Amazing revelations

I just got home from seeing my therapist. The hypnotherapy was surreal for me, I have never been hypnotized and it was strange. I "think" I was aware of the entire session.

I will only share in generalities because of the personal nature of the issues. Things that did not surprise me were anger and bitterness surrounding my divorce.

I was shocked to learn I have issues from my childhood that I never resolved. I also have trust issues among others. I recall towards the end, I heard a voice (the therapist, DUH) making suggestive statements for each of the revealed issues. Very strange, the awareness yet almost like a dream. It really was an amazing experience.

She gave me more "homework" and said eventually she can teach me self-hypnosis. She also suggested that I quit taking two of the drugs I am taking, and I agreed. In all my 48 years I have never allowed anyone to tinker "under my hood", wish I had done this years ago.

Let Life's Richness Flow

Tomorrow, I see my new therapist again. Part of my homework was to "find" positive things anywhere I could. I found this and will bring it to my appointment tomorrow. Maybe it will help you too.


Accomplishment comes when you allow it. Fulfillment comes when you allow it.
Worry, resentment, anger, envy and fear all serve to prevent your best possibilities from being realized. The more you learn to let go of the negative influences, the more easily and naturally will the richness of life flow through you.
How many worthwhile and fulfilling experiences have you missed because you were worried about what others might think? How many precious days have you wasted by being filled with resentment or fear?
You have so many beautiful places to go. There are so many valuable and fulfilling things you can do.
Begin today to more faithfully follow those bright and shining purposes that are deep within you. Let the negative, limiting thoughts and perceptions fall quietly and uneventfully away from you as quickly as they come.
Open your spirit, and allow your most beautiful possibilities to come to life. Remember who you truly are, and let life's richness flow.
-- Ralph Marston

No more distractions

I have been distracted for the last couple of months. I just cannot afford to let this happen any longer. I found many years ago that using "to do" lists helped keep me focused.

For the first time in several months, I made a new list and it is so long, I had to break it down into several smaller lists. It was just too overwhelming, so I have multiple lists.

This is about is about putting distractions behind and focusing on things I need to do, want to do. It is progress, one "to do" list item at a time.

I plan to keep posting to my blog, as I have found this relaxes me and therapeutic.