I got tagged by Lisa so here goes..............

What I was doing 10 years ago – 1998
1) Proposed to Carol in May
2) Married Carol on October, 10
3) Went to court because my ex wanted more $$$$
4) Bought another rental property
5) Had a wonderful "first" Christmas with Carol and the boys


Five things on my to-do list today
1)Make said to-do list, LOL
2) Called my Doctor
3) Loaded and actually ran the dishwasher
4) Laundry
5)Checked on my mother
****Did all of them, BTW

Snacks I enjoy
1) Popcorn
2) Peanuts
3) Smoked Almonds
4) Chips and Salsa
5) Pie (not telling what kind though)

Things I would do if I were a billionaire
1) Buy a few fast (make that really fast) cars
2) Tell Bill Gates to shove Windows up his ass (would offer to help)
3) Would "set my mother up for life"
4) Sponsor the "MOTHER OF ALL BAGOS", everyone invited
5) Start a scholarship in Carol’s name for kids of widows and widowers

Five of my bad habits
1) I eat way too much junk food
2) I crash too many R/C Airplanes
3) Did I mention I eat way too much junk food?
4) I still smoke, GRRRRRRRRRRR
5) I drive like a maniac and just had to pay for a speeding ticket

Five places I have lived
1) California
2) Kansas
3) Iowa
4) Florida
5) Missouri

Five jobs I've had
1) Mechanic (in high school)
2) Body shop worker (in college)
3) Restaurant manager (first job out of college)
4) A ton of jobs for Fortune 500 Food Company
5) Landlord

Five people I taggeed:
1) Anniegirl
2) Rob
3) Chris (I would have done Nancy but I think she was already marked)
4) Laurazoo
5) Kurt

Time marches on!!!!

Not sleeping well again, not sure why, is it grief? Wish I knew, I wake up wondering lately. I wonder and try to figure it out. When Carol first died, I found myself sleepless often but always found someone to chat with even in the wee hours of the night.

Those people are gone from my life and I wish them the best, perhaps their grief has past. I sometimes wonder why people whom comforted us after our loss just go away, but they do. Many of the people that helped me through my early grief have just gone from my life. I grieve losing them; they really helped me through my darkest hours.

This time last year I was meeting my former SO in the place we first met, just about halfway geographically at the time. Memories I will never forget…..all good memories.

Fast forward to today, that is gone and I have a new SO, I love her and am hopeful for a future with her. We laugh, we cry, mostly we laugh, she is wonderful. My biggest concern is that while I am going to hit four years soon, she is a bit behind me time wise in her grief. I just think time will tell….but as widowed I think we are all hopeful….I am hopefull.

Ron

Spring "to do" list

Spring is here; nice thunderstorm at 3 am kept me awake. Ron is going to need a nap and what a perfect day for one, misty rainy yucky outside. I need to make a “to do” list for spring:

--- Change oil and rotate tires on my truck
--- Wash my truck and get winter salt off
--- Change oil and install new belts on riding mower
--- Buy fresh fuel for mowers, trimmer, leaf blower
--- Fix the chain saw so I can…..
--- Trim Carol’s “AWFUL” plants behind the deck (secretly still hoping it will kill the damned things)
--- Drain the hot tub and refill with fresh water UGH!!
--- Clean and organize the garage AGAIN!!!
--- Probably mow next weekend
--- Go flying, or crash another plane

I really do love spring

For our brave soldiers......may you kick ass and take names

A video dedicated to our brave soldiers, kick ass and take names or just kick some ass guys. My son will soon be deployed and I pray for his safety.......so for all our troops. This vid is for your

Happy Easter

I wanted to wish anyone that stops by Happy Easter!

I enjoyed spending the day with my mother. We talked about Carol and much we miss her, Mom wanted to visit her grave in spite of the cold and rain so I took her and she just lost it. I think she needed a good cry. I am worried about my Mom’s health, she is almost 73 and has a number of health issues. She is always tired and insists she won’t be around much longer. I just wonder if there is "something" she is not telling me and I worry.

I wish I could have spent the day with my Sweetie, but she went to her sister’s for a family gathering there. Maybe next year

Feel free to add me to your blog, and let me know if you would like me to add your blog

If you want to add me to you blog....feel free. If you want me to add you to mine, leave a comment with a link and I will add you to mine. I enjoy so many blogs and have learned much from so many. Below is what I posted on the YWBB.
---------------------------------
To fellow widow/widower bloggers, I read and “lurk” on many blogs. I would like to add links from my blog to other widow blogs but will not do that without permission of the blog owners.

If you wish (or don’t mind me adding) a link to your blog, either post a link here or send me a PM. For those of you that want to add a link to mine, feel free. I find the collective of our thoughts comforting and many of us post thoughts that either do not belong on the YWBB or we hesitate to post there.

If you want me to add a link to your blog, either post a link here or PM.

Ron

More of my sick and twisted humor

You will either love or hate this video. If you love it, you have joined the ranks of the sick and twisted and if not, go read a boring blog (J/K).

My new toy

I doubt this will interest most but I love flying remote control airplanes. I seem to crash more than I fly but I still love the hobby. I recently bought a new plane but the damned thing has a "glitch", cheap electronics, I had to exchange the first two and the third proved equally inferior with "glitching".

"glitching" means that the receiver on the plane picks up interference that causes problems controlling the plane, thus it jumps around. The company that builds the models denies that a problem exists but just put the bird in the air and watch it “glitch”. No big deal if you have enough altitude but upon landing or low altitude fun you risk a crash.

I finally installed new electronics, 2.4 Spektrum to be exact. A damned computer system!!!!! Still have not figured it all out yet but it worked better than the cheap crap that comes with the plane “out of the box”

Anyway, here is a cool video of someone flying the same plane, I love this model. Very cool for a cheap toy.

3 1/2 years ago today.

Three and a half years ago today, the love of my life died. It is hard to believe it is possible that much time has passed and I am still standing. She was the woman I planned to grow old with. I will grow old (however long that is) with fond memories of her though. I will always love you Carol.

It is hard to believe just how much has changed since she died. I had a relationship that lasted over two years. Ultimately that ended but it was comforting at the time and I have no regrets. It showed me that I could love and be loved again. I learned many things about grief and myself (some good, some not so much) but I am sure Carol would have approved.

I am now in a second relationship since Carol’s death and I have no clue where it will go but it feels right and I am sure Carol would approve.

One thing I know for sure is that Carol is with me always, right here in my heart. I love you Carol.

LOUD and PROUD.....Part 2

More LOUD music and Cars......it is what I am about. Carol never bitched when I gave her a Corvette ragtop for her birthday. She never complained about my need for speed, although I was very practical "most" of the time. She did love the 'Vette I gave her, that woman could shift gears faster than most men, all six.

Smart Blonde chick that can run a Corvette to over a 100 MPH, yup Ron is just a putty in her hands. Carol, this is all about you and my missing you dear.......I will always love you

LOUD and PROUD.......a blast from my youth.

Today I just needed to revisit my youth and this song is a favorite. It reminds me of my carefree days when LOUD music, FAST cars, FASTER girls and cold beer were what I lived for. I was a rowdy one, but I sure as hell had some fun. If you like Lynyrd Skynyrd you will enjoy this video. Come on CRANK IT UP, you know you want to.


This was what I drove back in those days, or should I say RACED. I still love fast cars.

The Spring of my widowhood

On the eve of spring, I have been thinking about the seasons and grief. I have always loved spring and fall. Summer is fine but the humidity here can be brutal. I never much liked winter because I hate cold weather.

As the seasons relate to my grief, I think I am finally beginning to feel like it is spring in my life. A time when things begin to grow. Flowers bloom, the grass greens up, the trees blossom and regain their leaves. It is a time of renewal. After 3 ½ years being a widower and I am finally feeling some renewal in my life. I feel alive once again. I met Carol in the spring of the year and although I miss her now as spring approaches, my heart is not heavy with grief as it once was.

This fall, Carol will have been gone for four years. I hope this fall at four years that I can remember her with a smile and the sadness of losing her will not cloud the beauty that fall brings and that she so dearly loved.

The market did it again, go figure?

Dow
-146.70
-1.22%
11,893.69
NASDAQ
-8.01
-0.36%
2,212.49
S&P
-10.97
-0.84%
1,293.37

I know this is going to sound awful but since I bailed out at 13K I want the market to drop like a rocket. When it is stable again (I think it will tank around 10ish) then I will come back and reap a harvest.

Yup, I am a Bear right now. When the market changes, I will become a Bull again. What difference does it make either I growl or I am full of shit? Been told both many times, LOL, and I know both are true. Bear......Bull.....either way just keep an eye out.

Today I say bear, tomorrow is another day where it could change to Bull or Bullshit. Oh wait.....now it is Saturday, we have to wait a few days for it to start over again......damn.

More rantings tomorrow, assuming I am still kicking (OK morbid widow humor). One sleeplesss widower signing off in the wee hours, but I promise I will be back to "mess" with you again.

Ron

Watch your piggy banks

Crude oil hit another record high overnight, almost $106 a barrel!!!! Seems it doesn’t take much to make the market jittery these days. This happened on news of a bombing of a military recruiting center near Times Square and uncertainty as to what OPEC might do with production.

The US Dollar hit another low against the Euro as well. I guess we will be shipping cheaper goods overseas? But what can we ship out? US companies have already moved operations out of the US. I am amazed that anyone here even has a job. One of these days we will all work for Wal-Mart.

The financial markets are not looking so hot either, so I think the Dow and Nasdaq will close lower today and will close lower for the week again. Watch your piggy bank folks.

-------------

Edited to add today's market closings:

Dow 12040.39 -214.60 -1.75%
Nasdaq 2222.50 -52.31 -2.3 %
S & P 500 1304.34 -29.36 -2.2%

Don't speed in Illinois

I was unlucky enough to get a speeding ticket in Illinois last week. A fine member of the Illinois State Police using a Laser Gun just happened to nail me doing 80 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. The fine is not that bad, $75.00 but in order to avoid points they are requiring "driving school".

I have three choices, (A) just pay the fine and take the points. (B) Admit guilt, attend said "driving school" and they will not assess points or (C) ask for a trial (Yeah, right).

So the hassle is trying to figure out how to fulfill the damned "driving school" requirements without driving back to Illinois. Now I must talk to the prosecutor in the county where I got nailed to see if I can take an approved course online, or take on locally that they will honor.

Don’t speed in Illinois!!!!!!! What a pain in the ass.

Sleepless in St. Louis

It is 5 am and the rain woke me up. Carol loved hearing the rain hitting the skylights in our bedroom. She loved the sunshine, rain, snow........it really didn't matter to her what the weather was doing, she enjoyed living.

I sit her missing her and wonder why God is putting me through this Hell called being a widower and I realize that there are so many others in the same boat. The rain hits me again and again, I want it to stop because it reminds me of what I have lost.....my dear wife who loved the sound of the rain. I know I am not alone here, I read other's thoughts on the YWBB and widow blogs and I am once again reminded that I am not special ,yet I want that status.

I want to feel loved again. I want to be held again, I know I can be loved again. Love comes with a price but still we crave it and I have loved after Carol and I have no regrets. I fell in love with a widow after Carol died and I really loved that lady but it didn't work out, lots of reasons but she still holds a special place in my heart, Yes Alicia I will always love you.

I do feel loved by "Q", not ready to reveal who she is but I am sure she feels the same. Back to bed, the rain stopped. I still miss Carol.

I needed to cry today so..............

I listened to this Alan Jackson song again.



Today was one of those beautiful days that Carol always loved. As I was driving along I began to wonder what we would have been doing together. My heart began to ache for Carol again and for the things we didn't get to do since she died that awful day in September 2004.

Thank you Carol for all the love and thanks Alan for helping the tears flow as I continue to grieve the loss of my beloved wife.

Any Stargate SG-1 fans?

I am a huge fan of Stargate SG-1 but I have not had cable TV since I married Carol in 1998 (long story for another post). Anyway, I can catch occasional reruns on broadcast but cannot get my "fix". I borrowed the first nine seasons on DVD from a friend last year and just recently returned the collection. (BTW, thanks for the loan).

Today, I bought season 1 at Wal-Mart and plan to buy all 10 seasons over the next few months. I don’t watch much TV but I do enjoy certain shows and Stargate SG-1 is one of my favorites. I will be happy when I have all 10 seasons.

I also have the first 3 seasons of Stargate Atlantis, which I like even more, but season 4 is not due out until around October 2008. I hope it runs as long as Stargate SG-1.

Any other fans out there?

Ron

Or Maybe I want one of these Bad Boys?????

I have Muscle Cars on the brain lately. I doubt I will buy one but it sure is fun to look and dream at what is on the way.

-----------------------------

Just to prove that German automakers aren't the only ones who plan products based on what their rivals have done, GM comes out with the Camaro--a retro-styled, two-door coupe with a honking big V-8 that harks back to the glory days of Motown. If that sounds familiar, that's exactly what Ford did with the Mustang. Hot on the heels of the Pony car's success, DaimlerChrysler has dusted off the Challenger and Chevy has produced a new Camaro, a nameplate that was more recently interred. The muscular Camaro concept is pure '69 updated, with the kind of subtle detailing that makes it look up-to-the-minute. The interior is very glitzy, and pays homage to the original, even down to the GM seat belt insignia and the twin instrument pods.
The car is 186.2 inches long and rides on a 110.5-inch wheelbase. The wheels are 21s at the front and 22s at the rear, shod with monster 275/30 front and 305/30 rear tires, which should be able to corral the 400 horses from the LS2 6.0-liter V-8 engine powering through a six-speed manual transmission. The show car has a cobbled together chassis with an all-independent suspension, but if it makes it into production, it will use the so-called Zeta Lite architecture that will be shared with Holden in Australia. The good news for GM is that the architecture--while hardly cutting edge--is far more sophisticated than the live-axle Mustang. Insiders say that a $20,000 base model production car could use an inexpensive V-8 (the LS2 would come in a costlier model), so a V-6 version would be offered only to make the car easier to insure. The real car would have smaller wheels, but the overall diameter of the tires wouldn't be much changed. GM vice-chairman and product czar Bob Lutz apparently loves it and joked on the show stand "all I have to do is persuade this man"--referring to GM CEO Rick Wagoner--"to pay for it."

2008 Dodge Challenger and I want one!!!!!!

Chrysler knows the 2008 Dodge Challenger will be showing up late to the retro pony car party. The company has carefully foreshadowed the second coming of the long-nosed Hemi-powered contender since Ford proved it could sell the 1965 Mustang all over again in 2005.
Standing on the sidelines while Ford took the initial retro risk saved Chrysler the potential embarrassment of making a bad decision, but Dodge has also been using the Challenger's late arrival to tease buyers and build interest in the forthcoming muscle car. Strategically planted rumors and radical orange concept car renderings in 2005 had the public drooling for sheet metal.

First Drive: 2008 Dodge Challenger SRT8
2008 Chicago Auto Show: 2008 Dodge Challenger
New Photo of the 2008 Dodge Challenger Courtesy of AutoWeek
First Photos of the Production 2008 Challenger SRT8
2008 Dodge Challenger SRT8 Heads for eBay
Official Production Number Announced for 2008 Challenger
No Reserve: Challenger SRT8 and Shelby GT500KR To Be Auctioned at Barrett-Jackson
Dodge Takes Orders for More Than 9,000 Challenger SRT8s in First Month
2008 Dodge Challenger SRT8 Spotted in Full Production Trim
Pricing now available
IL Insider: Dodge Challenger and Chevrolet Camaro Convertibles in the Pipeline
Chrysler Poised To Cut Off Orders for 2008 Dodge Challenger SRT8
Dodge Swamped With Challenger Orders — but Hints at Expanding Production
2008 Dodge Challenger SRT8 Muscles in to Market at $37,995
Chrysler Planning To Build Only 5,000 2008 Dodge Challengers
Spy photos: 2009 Dodge Challenger prototype
Dodge Challenger Concept
Challenger on Cruise
2006 Detroit Auto Show: Dodge Challenger Concept
Drag Racing the Dodge Challenger Super Stock Concept
Dodge Challenger Future Vehicle Page


Finally, in January 2006, Dodge unveiled the Challenger Concept at the same venue that saw the debut of Ford's Concept Mustang three years prior, the North American International Auto Show.
A relatively long hood and Chrysler's characteristic gangster window line flow into widened and raised rear haunches, barely housing giant 21-inch wheels, and black stripes of unpainted carbon fiber run the length of the body. There's no disputing it — the Challenger Concept looked positively boss when the sheet was whisked off.
Soon after the car's unveiling, Inside Line visited Chrysler's Pacifica Design Studio in Carlsbad, California, where the 2008 Dodge Challenger Concept was designed. There we interviewed the two men responsible for the car's look. "Early on, we just tried to capture 'Mopar' in the designs," Mike Castiglione told us during our visit. "We tried to capture the beveled edges that were uniquely Mopar back in the muscle car days. If you look at an old Challenger or Charger, the lines have a snap to them. Once we figured that out, then we got more focused." Mike beat out two other designers for the gig and it's fair to say he was the right man for the job.
Two Challenger Concepts were built, both powered by the famous 6.1-liter Hemi V8. The first was a hot orange Challenger Concept designed to be a street car with 425 horsepower. The second, a 525-hp flat-black Challenger Super-stock concept, is shod with massive Goodyear slicks and is good for one thing — knocking off 11.0-second quarter-mile runs.
The concept cars are based on a shortened Dodge Charger platform and are topped with bodies made entirely of carbon fiber. And both are real runners. In fact, we took the orange Challenger Concept out cruising in Southern California to the famous Donut Derelicts car show. Then we drag-raced the flat-black Challenger Super-Stock Concept at the Mopars at the Strip event in Las Vegas.
The release of the 2009 Dodge Challenger won't be the first time Chrysler introduced a car at the tail end of the muscle-car craze — the original Challenger hit the streets in 1970, six years after the Ford Mustang and four after Chevy's Camaro, which will be getting its own resurgence with the release of the 2009 Chevy Camaro. There's a reason the car is named "Challenger."
Late to the party or not, the 2008 Dodge Challenger is poised to crash it. Big time.
Read more Inside Line Buzz Stations

My Dream car

I love really fast, wicked cars and this one fits the bill. The only reason I don't own one of these bad boys is because I am too practical. If money were no object, I would have one in my garage right now. They have SO MUCH power that the EPA imposed a $2,200 "Gas Guzzler" tax which is included on the window sticker. Did I mention, I love fast cars? Below is one of many reviews on this awesome beast.

--------------------------------------------

I love horsepower. I love the feel of it lingering underfoot, ready to explode into neck-snapping, stomach-churning, tire-shredding violence. I love the sound of it: the blend of Fortissississimo bellowing and heavy metal madness. I love the power of it, the ability to make "ordinary" machines look as if God grabbed their rear bumpers and yanked them backwards. Sure, my passion for accelerative overload is infantile, dangerous and about as politically correct as a 1920's minstrel show. But at least it isn't impractical or expensive. Well, not anymore.

You can now buy a four-door 425hp Chrysler 300C SRT-8 for a nickel under $40k. That's a lot of numbers. And no matter how you look at it– size, performance or style– the 300C SRT-8 is a lot of car. So let's take this road test thing nice and slow… Only we here at TTAC don't do anything "nice". And "slow" is not a word in the SRT-8's vocabulary (I have a hard time understanding it myself). So what the Hell. Let's strap in, mash the go pedal and see where it takes us.

Straight to the brake pedal. We've traveled so far so fast we need to slow down RIGHT NOW, and hope that Chrysler's Street and Racing Technology (SRT) knows as much about brakes as they do about big-bore powerplants. Fo shizzle. When caning a 425hp car weighing 4160lbs., there's no time to ponder the finer points of rotor size, "swept area", ABS, etc. It's strictly press and pray.

Did I mention that the 300C SRT-8 doesn't like to let go of its revs? Lift off the gas and there's no danger of engine braking; starving the 6.1-liter Hemi of dead dinoflagellates has about as much immediate effect as switching off the afterburners on an F15. Not to put too fine a point on it, the 300C SRT-8 is a blat - coast - blat kinda car. Oh, and the five-speed gearbox (a Mercedes E-Class hand-me-down) is as fond of kickdown as the Toyota Prius is of low revs. The big Chrysler can resist anything except acceleration.

Right. Where were we? Oh yes, in dire need of stoppage. And stop we shall. If a car is only as good as its brakes, Chrysler's flagship muscle car is a match for the very best. Both the SRT-8 and BMW's M5 require only 110 feet of pavement to slow themselves from sixty to zero. While the SRT-8's left pedal doesn't offer much in the way of initial feel, the massive anchors are powerful enough to yank you out of the trouble that the steroidal engine can oh-so-easily put you in. Now, let's try a little cornering…

Before tackling the twisties, switch off the ESP traction control. I don't usually recommend thrashing a Nanny-less sedan with 420ft.-lbs. of torque, 20" wheels and three-season tires (Vivaldi would not be pleased with that concept). But the SRT's chassis is so well sorted, the power resevoir so deep, instant and controllable, that you can drive this monster like you stole it without an electronic safety net– and not die. Simply steer with your right foot.

Muscle car aficionados know the drill. When you enter a sharp turn, throw the wheel hard over and floor it. As the rear tires spin and the back end drifts sideways, apply the appropriate amount of opposite lock with the steering wheel. Then ease off the gas, let the back end ease into line and keep on going. If it's good enough for The General Lee, it's good enough for the SRT.

Of course, Chrysler had to sacrifice a significant measure of the donor car's ride comfort. And? The supremely-engined 300C SRT-8 is aimed at G-force junkies and serious stunters. They'd consider it a badge of honor if a pothole knocked a filling loose. Alternatively, you can dismiss a rough section of road by applying max power and dryquaplaning over irregularities.

I don't mean to leave you with the impression that the Chrysler 300C SRT-8 is all about raw power. It's about raw power AND satellite radio. And a 180mph speedo, sports seats, a fearsome front spoiler, an integrated rear wing and the usual trim upgrades and performance badgery. Other than that, the 300C SRT-8 is the same gangsta-style luxobarge that's wowed press and punters alike.

Which is no bad thing. With the addition of a glorious, pumped-up Hemi and vastly improved driving dynamics, the 300C SRT-8 transforms a great car into an instant (though proletariat) classic. If you're a horsepower headcase on a budget, go on. You know you want to.

My apology to Alicia

This has proven to be far more difficult than I originally thought it would be and since this will be the last public writing about you, about us, I didn’t want to screw it up.

On a YWBB thread about "first" relationships you wrote:

" I am no longer in my "first" relationship (or any other) as a widow, but we were together for nearly 2-1/2 years, most of which was very good. Neither of us was looking for a relationship at the time, and we were so grateful when we landed in each other's laps. We helped each other through some of the worst parts of the grief journey, and we showed each other that real happiness and love are indeed possible -- something neither of us had imagined possible."

I posted to the same thread:

"My "first" post-widowed relationship was a huge mistake. Looking back, wish I had taken a pass, but we live, learn and move forward."

I hope to accomplish two things with this blog entry. First, your YWBB post accurately sums up our relationship and mine was made in anger and spite. We did have good times, we did bring each other much needed comfort and love. I really did love you.

Second, and most important I need to apologize to you for every hurtful thing I did and said both privately and publicly. Alicia, I am deeply sorry for hurting you.

I hope you will accept this apology in the spirit it was written. I wish you the very best in your future.

Sincerely,


Ron

Opportunity to improve

Do you ever attempt to hide from your mistakes or pretend they didn't happen? If so, you'll keep making the same ones over and over again.

Instead, quickly recognize and admit your mistakes. And learn to see the value in moving beyond them.

When you've found an error, you've uncovered an opportunity to improve. Take those opportunities and make those improvements.

When you discover a weakness, you've found a way to grow stronger. Overcoming a weakness in one area can make you more effective in all aspects of your life, after that weakness ceases to hold you back.

Accept that there are things you've been mistaken about, things you don't know, and things you have not been able to do.

That puts you in a position to make powerful positive improvements.

Instead of letting your mistakes and shortcomings grow more costly by denying that they exist, choose to see the real value in them.

Decide to confidently deal with them and transform your liabilities into assets.
-- Ralph Marston

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This post describes perfectly what I am trying to with my life. I will still make mistakes, just not the same ones again. That is my goal anyway.

This is TOTAL Insanity!!!!

I just saw this on 60 Minutes.

It costs our government two cents to produce a pennie and a dime to produce a nickel. I am not surprised, given all the "other" waste coming out of Washinton, DC today.

They did mention that it illegal to melt them down, lucky I abide by the law. I would start hoarding pennies and nickels for melt down. Looks like the best ROI on the planet. I bet pennies and nickels are being melted down as I write.

Only in America!!!!! When will the madness stop, Ummmm, maybe when pigs fly?

I found this uplifting for my spirit and.....

I hope you do too


What you seek is now

End the battle within yourself and you will know peace. Cease to separate one thing from another and you experience unity.

Enlightenment is not the accumulation of knowledge or wisdom. It is the full realization of what you already are.

Richness has nothing to do with material artifacts or financial transactions. It is the surrender to an abundance that has no limit.

What you seek is not somewhere else, or this or that. What you seek is now
.
The more you look for it, the more it hides from you. Relax, remember the source of your deepest yearnings, and allow yourself to know their fulfillment.
-- Ralph Marston

Job offer of sorts

Yesterday, I received a phone call from a guy that buys and sells investment properties. He has some pretty deep pockets and he wants me to "help him". He is exploiting the foreclosure market, which I have also considered myself.


I have no respect for the man as I think he would cheat his own mother if it meant another dollar in his pocket. I told him I would think about his offer and I did. Upon reflection and a good night of sleep, my answer came very easy. NO!!!!! I will not help him because he lies, cheats and steals for personal gain.


I do want to thank him however for putting my brain in gear. I know some ethical investors that might be in the same boat. Time to make some phone calls.

I hate being right, but I told you so, or warned you!!!!

I am not a "the sky is falling" kind of guy but brace yourself folks, it is falling. I bailed out of the stock market a few weeks ago. My broker advised me to stay with my program and I said NO.

I am not an expert but I do "watch" and my opionion remaims unchanced, the Dow will dip to around 10K and level off. I see recession in our future. When it bottomes out, I will jump back in.

My warning is "watch your money"!!!!!!

Health update

Many, Many friends who have supported me through my illness have been asking how I am doing, so here is an update. I do want those people to know how grateful I am for their concern and support. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just had a CT scan on my chest and spoke to the radiologist. He said there is a "nodule" in one lung. He said it might be from the pneumonia or something more serious. He will study the films and decide the next step. If he doesn’t like what he sees he will order a PET scan which he said is more definitive than a CT study. I should know something tomorrow.


I also have an Uncle that is a radiologist and was able to get the CT scan and x-rays burned to a CD so he can evaluate the films. I am hoping for best case while bracing for worst case, but it is what it is. I will deal with whatever comes next.

I did the right thing!!!

It was really not a big deal but it made me feel good. I was on my way to see my new love interest Saturday and although the main roads were plowed and clear, I came upon an accident where few would stop and help.

A woman had skidded off the road and was stuck, and the few people that stopped to assist didn't have anything that would help this poor woman. I DID have the one thing she needed, a truck with 4WD. So I provided the "ponies" and with a tow strap, "we" dragged her car from the ditch. I say "we" because there were others that helped.

The other people that stopped to help all had regular cars that would never have pulled her from the ditch but they stopped to help, a minority but they did stop. I was appalled at all the 4 WD's that just drove by.

In the end, I stayed about 30 minutes but ya know what, it felt really good when I drove away knowing I did the right thing. I cannot believe the number of others that "could" have helped just drove by. OK I admit it was fun driving around in 4WL draggin a car outa the ditch, IMA guy, LOL.

I would do it again and again, because it's the right thing. Next time you see someone in need, please do the right thing and help them out. I am sure you will be repaid 20 times over.

Ron

Stop by and say Hi

My counter keeps going up but I have no idea who reads or how they found me. I know a few from their comments but otherwise clueless who reads.

I invite you to introduce yourself, I could use all the friends I can get. I look forward to hearing from you lurkers.

I am going out of town for the weekend and it would be nice to come home and see your comments.

Help wanted!!!!!!

I need someone to shovel snow. I have no idea how much fell but more than enough. It looks like about 10 inches.

I sure hope the snowblower will start.

Did someone say road trip?

Oh I did. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and I can go. I will be more than annoyed if I can't go. It should be a fun weekend even if it is cold outside.

Good food and friendship. I can't wait.

Where is the real Ron and what did you to him?

I actually went to bed at a reasonable hour last night and apparently slept restfully. I recall coughing some but that is getting better too. I am starting to feel human again.

For those of you that have been very sick, you might relate to that feeling. I might add, it feels damned good to finally start feeling better!!!! So for those of you out there that are "sicky", I wish you speedy recoveries.

The weather here is supposed to be decent today and then turn to crap by the end of the week (as in sleet and snow) so today is the day for me to get things done.

One last thing: keep your eye on the economy. The world markets are in turmoil and with good reason, our economy is in trouble. I bailed out of my investments last week and retreated to high ground. I still think the elevator is going down, down, down. Is GW's token tax rebate going to send you to Target or Wal-mart to spend money? Didn't think so, what an effiing idiot.

My point is, I am no expert but I bailed into consertive investments because I am convinced that the next 12 to 18 months are going to be ugly and want to pass that worry to my friends. My plan is to ride to the bottom and then jump back in.

OK, one last funny/sad note I just saw on the news, some dumb ass posted an ad on "Craigs list" for a "hit man", alrighty then, just caught a few details but "she" is now wanted and I had to laugh because CL is such a joke anyway and now they let you search out "hitmen"???? WTF is wrong with this picture?

Only in America!!!!!

Happy trails

Ron

Have not had much to post.

I guess since I am feeling much better and can actually do things outside the cyber-world I stopped posting for a few days. Truthfully, I have been distracted too.

Perhaps one day I will write about that, but not now.

Hope anyone that happens to read this is healthy and had a good weekend.

Ron

Humor warms my heart.

I have always used humor to warm my heart. If I am down, it makes me laugh and if I am up, I just laugh more. I found the following joke and I am still laughing (hard to type and laugh). Here is the joke:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

It's funny how little things can make us feel good.

My neighbor's daughter knocks on my door this morning around 7:30 in a panic. She was late for class and couldn't get the garage door down. I grab my coat and assure her it will be fine.

It was really a minor problem and I had the door down quickly (thankfully because it was cold). Anyway, she thanked me and sped away. It made me feel good to help someone.

I know it sounds a bit silly but I am fortunate that I pretty good at fixing mechanical problems and it feels good when friends, neighbors and relatives call on me when something is broken.

The trap of Anger

Your anger hurts you much more than it affects anyone else. When your energy and awareness are tightly wrapped around anger, you're not much good for anything else.

There are many things beyond your control that can be perfectly legitimate reasons for anger. Yet the amount of time you maintain that anger is completely up to you.

The more quickly you move on, the better off you'll be. When you feel the first sensation of anger, let that be a reminder to let it go.

Anger can be useful in calling your attention to matters that require your response. But anger itself is not an effective response.

Take a slow, deep breath and remind yourself of how much more effective you can be by maintaining a positive, results-oriented approach. Decide, in a cool, calm and thoughtful manner, exactly what response would be the most powerful and valuable, and then make it happen.

Don't let the foolish, thoughtless, destructive actions of others catch you in a trap of anger. Take note of the anger, let it go, put your focus on being your best, and you'll surely emerge as a winner.


--------------------------


I found this posted on the YWBB earlier today and it brought me immediate peace. I have been struggling with a situation that was frustrating and angering me. I need to keep the words in mind on a daily basis and it will certainly help me grow through life's setbacks.

"What the hell was I thinking?"

I did something today that I really regret. No details, I just wish I hadn't done it. I guess we learn from our mistakes and boy did I make one. I actually wrote it on my calender to remind of what a lapse is judgement can result in. Learn RON LEARN, DUH.

On another front, I exited the stock market for the most part. I simply wanted to stop the bleeding. I lost my ass last week and I do not see anything that leads me to have any faith in the next 12-18 months. We are going into a recession!!!!! I was in some solid funds and will likely buy them back when the market hits bottom. I think the DOW will drop below 10,000 in the next few months. It might get worse than that.

I am going to sit on the sidelines and wait and when the time is right, I will jump back in. It is going to get ugly folks.

I will probably write more on the subject but I hope you are all bracing for bad times, they are coming. The market cycles and the elevator is going down.

Naperville, IL

Carolina said...
Ron,You are so hot, sexy, strong, confident and modest. It's no wonder every widow wants a piece of you!Carolina
6:08 PM


This is getting tiresome "Carolina", you have posted under several names.
Since my blog is public, I will feel free to post what I know about you:


Domain Name comcast.net ? (Network) IP Address 67.184.37.# (Comcast Cable) ISP Comcast Cable Location
Continent
:
North America
Country
:
United States .?a=stats&s=s26r1959&v=42&country=US&vlr=89&pg=1&r=77.?a=stats&s=s26r1959&v=42&country=US&vlr=89&pg=1&r=77(Facts)
State
:
Illinois
City
:
Naperville
Lat/Long
:
41.7511, -88.1462 (Map)
Language English (U.S.)en-us Operating System Microsoft WinXP Browser Firefox Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.8.1.11) Gecko/20071127 Firefox/2.0.0.11 Javascript version 1.5 Monitor
Resolution
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1280 x 1024
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32 bits
Time of Visit Jan 21 2008 6:06:00 pm Last Page View Jan 21 2008 6:06:00 pm Visit Length 0 seconds Page Views 1 Referring URL http://www.ywbb.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=502224&an=0&page=0&gonew=1 Visit Entry Page http://hogsruleanddeathstinks.blogspot.com/ Visit Exit Page http://hogsruleanddeathstinks.blogspot.com/ Out Click Time Zone UTC-6:00 Visitor's Time Jan 21 2008 6:06:00 pm Visit Number 5,242

I am not going to delete your crap anymore, rather I will post it for all to see. I know you are a member of the YWBB because that is always where you come in from. If you don’t like my brand of humor, or threads I start then don’t read them.

Furthermore, Why do you read my blog?

Why do you leave comments under false names.

You mentioned in a comment that I deleted that you thought I was creepy, I must say that you are creepy. Please find someone else to bother.

If you have a beef with me, send me a PM, otherwise just go away.

My health, I am taking it back.

After last night’s adventure to the ER with this bronchitis, today I decided that once I am strong enough I will do everything I can to become healthier. I don’t mean just getting over being sick. I am (already have) been changing my lifestyle.


I have abused my body for way to many years. I have smoked for more years than I want to admit and after Carol died, I drank myself to numb the pain. I quit drinking a few months ago and that was surprisingly easy. I knew it was not the smartest thing but I did it anyway. At times, impaired, my behavior was just wrong and it hurt people I cared about. It just had to stop. I hope those I hurt will someday forgive me and realize how sorry I am. Can that happen? I just don’t know, but I hope so.


Anyway, that is no longer an issue for me. I still struggle with my addiction to nicotine. I still crave this vile substance. I am on the patch, which I guess is better than actually smoking, but it still sucks.


So I have eliminated alcohol and nicotine. Now I need to focus on nutrition and exercise. I am going to join a gym and hire a personal trainer (at least to start). I will do whatever the PT tells me, I hope they can also help me with nutrition. I am sure a good one will be able to help with that.

If anyone who reads this has any ideas or tips, PLEASE share, I could use all the help I can get.

Saturday evening in the ER

As some know, I am still fighting bronchitis. This morning when I woke up my chest felt tight, I blew it off as caused by coughing during the night. I took it easy but noticed just a lap around the house and I was having a hard time breathing.

I finally knew I was in trouble and had my neighbor drive me to the ER about 6:00 PM. After hours of needles, IV drugs, X-rays, EKGs, well you get the idea, they sent me home with prescriptions and instructions to follow up with my MD Monday.

I am not complaining, although I am sure it sounds like but I just cannot seem to shake this illness. What is most troublesome for me is that people die from this. I am not that old and am still told it kills people that have otherwise been healthy.

I just want to get well.

I deleted yesterday's post because.......

Someone left a comment saying it was creepy. The post was pretty general so I was and still am puzzled as to why anyone would say that.

Anyway, if you think I am creepy or what I write is creepy go find something else to do.

I would give anything...........

A fellow blogger has been chronicling her struggles as a single parent. I understand that must be a tall order. I sympathize with her plight.


During my marriage to Carol, my youngest stepson put us through hell. He was constantly in trouble at school and with the law. We stood together and dealt with him and his bad behavior. It took lots of patience but with some stiff discipline and counseling his behavior improved. It was a team effort and there were times when either one of us was at the end of our respective ropes, we had the other to lean on.


I would give anything to go back in time and do it all over again. In fact, there was a point after Carol’s death that I seriously contemplated doing it again. I do think that being a positive force in shaping kids is something that brings me personal satisfaction.


Perhaps one day, I will have that opportunity again.

Opinions please

It has been a long day and I am tired. First, the therapist then the memorial service for my friend Cecil. It just seemed to suck the life out of me. I was relieved that the funeral home chose an area far from where Carol’s service had been held, so I avoided that wing of the building.


Visit with therapist was hard but good. She started by asking "what is bothering you today?" The floodgates opened up, after all isn’t that I am there? She uses the metaphor that our lives are a series of bricks cemented together, some good, some not so much. They are all intertwined and part of who we are yada yada yada….. OK, I get that, so what is your point? Let me hammer out the bad bricks and replace them, purge them from my being. Seems it doesn’t work like, well that is just wrong.


Anyway we come to an agreement of sorts, at least for now. I can mess with "MY" blocks any effing way I please, OK now we are making progress, and I am getting my way. Not really, that is not the point, but I will look at them, stare at them, curse some of them, hate some of them, embrace some of them, cherish some. Wonder what the hell to do with a few. I want to break Humpty Dumpty’s ass and put him back together the way I want him to be. Wrong again!!!!


For now, some of her bricks bother me, so where do I go with that? Some of them bother me even more, now what? I have decided that a few get covered with signs that say "OUT OF ORDER" while a few others get a sign that says "UNDER CONSTRUCTION".


OK enough about me, I need opinions please. I was talking to some people at Cecil’s Memorial and our club had asked that "in lieu of flowers,contributions be made to our club", then after talking to members, I find out that Cecil’s widow couldn’t even afford to pay for his funeral. His kids chipped in to pay. Then I find out that a fund is set up for Cecil’s widow. (sidenote: our club has plenty of money).


I would rather help Cecil’s widow than my club (although there are rumors that whatever the club collects, they will donate it to Cecil’s widow). Should I donate directly to Cecil’s widow?
Just wondering what you would do?


Thanks,


Ron

Being widowed SUCKS

I am dreading Cecil's funeral tomorrow. It is the first funeral I will have attended since Carol's. To make matters worse, it will be held at the same funeral home. I just hate this.

My good friend Cecil died last night.

My good friend Cecil, the President of my flying club died last night. Cecil was an older gentleman and his large intestines burst and he was rushed to surgery late Friday night. Following the surgery, his organs started shutting down and he passed away around 9:30 last night.

One funny story about Cecil, last fall I had a friend passing through St. Louis and I took my friend and children to our field. The older child was hooked. I convinced my friend Matt to give him lessons, so Matt fired up his plane and out they go to the pilot’s box. I took the younger guy out to the picnic table behind the pilot’s box so he could watch his big brother. Meanwhile, my friend is taping the action with a camera. I might add that the older boy did very well flying Matt’s plane and I think they flew twice.

Keep in mind our club has some rules for safety reasons. Anyway, once the fun was over, we departed and the chatter about all the fun began.

A few days later I show up at the field and Cecil wants to chat. Let me rephrase that, he wanted to chew my ass. He asked why I had violated the safety protocols a few days before. I explained (between ass chewings) and he finally understood that we really had done nothing wrong and let it go. He was a feisty old guy, loved by all.

Cecil, I will miss you my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with Don (his son) and Danny (his Grandson) and all his family that I never met.

Memories

Today I was reflecting on different periods of my life. I was trying to recall the first memories as a child and at what age. Most of those memories really began at about age five. Mostly, I recalled the really good and the really bad, but I remember.

Fast forward to 1968 (age 8) to 1972 (age 12), my father was transferred to Redlands, CA. If memory serves me that was grades 4 through 8. In late 1972 we moved again, this time to Wichita, KS. I loved my school(s), friends, and the weather. I hated Wichita, the school sucked, the weather sucked, but I adapted.

I digress, back to those wonder years in southern California. I hated leaving there, I wrote to my best friends for years but that faded away as time moved on. I always wanted to visit someday.

This past summer, I had the good fortune to be close enough to do just that. It was an odd encounter with my past. I stopped at the house I had lived in; I walked the street recalling things I had done there over 30 years ago. I drove to the elementary school and then the Junior High I attended. It was surreal, and in many ways still is. I took lots of photos.

Just a snapshot of my life but still I remember. I will continue to move through periods of my life and just remember.

Feel free to share your memories.

Looks like I dodged a bullet

I had an ultrasound done this morning, they suspected gall stones. They scanned my kidneys, pancreas, liver, gall bladder and maybe a few other parts I forgot. I just got off the phone with my doctor and all my parts looked normal. No gall stones!!!! Looks like my plumbing is all in good shape.

Since I am still weak and sick after two rounds of antibiotics, the doctor thinks I have some kind of super virus. More bed rest, lots of fluids, and eat as much as I can. The nausea and diarrhea are gone so I should be able to gain back some of the weight I lost.

I will be grateful when I have my health back.

Sick of being sick

Had to cancel my appointment with the therapist today. Yesterday, after just a few bites of soup I felt sick to my stomach. Needless to say, I spent some time hugging the toilet, then comes the diarrhea .
I just returned from the doctor and lab. I feel like hell and it has been 26 hours since I have eaten. I am going to stick with water and broth for the time being. Hopefully getting some rest will help me get better.
I have got to heal from this string of illnesses. I have been sick now for an entire month and I am sick of being sick. Enough is enough.


Edited to add: My Doc called and it seems some of the lab results point towards gall stones. Elevated bile in the urine and liver enzymes are elevated too. More tests in the next few days. Ultrasound of the gall bladder and liver, what fun.

Guys and their feelings

I admit to being sad today, I miss my wife. Today would have been one of those days I would have surprised her by calling to tell her I would be sitting outside her work waiting to take her to her favorite lunch spot. I could do that because we owned rental properties in the city and my schedule allowed us that luxury. She never really knew when I would sneak up on her, but she loved it.

I also admit that I have a secret blog where I can write feeling, mostly of sadness, despair and a place where I mostly talk to her. It is my safe place. It is closed and private. It is like my bathroom, the door is closed when I use it.

I guess it's a guy thing. I read other blogs, mostly widows and many of them show their grief openly. I can do that to a degree, but I reserve my most painful thoughts for my private blog. I can go there and sometimes it brings me joy in reading the things I have written about my life with Carol and other times I just sit and cry for all that will never be. I guess I need that private place.

Today I am going to surprise Carol for lunch, if only in my memories.

So far I like Mike

Mike Huckabee that is. I cannot support Hillary because she has already been the prez once. Obama is a brilliant man but just doesn't have enough experience to run this country. Maybe next time around.

McCain switches sides more times than Dick Cheney shoots at his friends. I just don't know who should run the country, I do know that it is time for GW to GO. For now I like Mike.

We shall see.

Guilt

I feel guilt. I feel like I betrayed Carol. She died in September 2004. In February 2005, I met a widow online and we chatted and it was good for both of us.

We ended up meeting months later and it felt good. It was good, that lasted almost 2 and half years, but that guilt ate away. I tried not to let is show, but it stated to show.

Things began to decay, It broke me. I still feel that guilt.

Did I betray my wife? Did I just try to "replace" her? Did I hurt the other person?

I think the answer to all of the above is yes. Guilt, more guilt. I am so sorry for the things I have done. I have so much guilt, but I tried my best. Still feel guilt.

Nothing new until Monday

I thought I had done the right thing by sending my old x-rays to the hospital that rendered the ER services. It appears that the x-rays were read at "urgent care" saw something else. Now I must gather their x-rays and turn them in to radiology at the hospital I was last treated.

Very unsettling, but all I have at this point.

I wish I was not sick......but I am ....

There is a part of me that hopes and dreams that I am sick enough that I will join Carol soon. She treated me with such regard. One of the few that was honest with me. That was huge for me. I will likely need many more tests, but I really don’t want tests if I am really going to die anyway.
I am really OK dying, my problem is letting go of friends that have some problem with whatever I may have done when I was alive. That really bothers me, but nothing I can do about it.
So for anyone that has a problem with me, that is on you. I am at peace with my impending death. You must deal with the rest, just not my problem. Good luck with that.
Ron

Wishing everyone a Happy 2008

I want to wish everyone a Happy and prosperous 2008. 2007 was not such a hot year here for many reasons but I learned a few things along the way.

So here is to a great 2008 for all of us (raising my glass of Gator aid) CHEERS.

Can you tell I am feeling a little better?

Ron

Not sure who reads my blog but.......

I have been sick and still am, so I am taking a break. I feel like crap and need to recover. I am not really sure who reads my blog anyway but I really do feel crappy, so if you do enjoy what what I write, please check back in and comment if you want.

I just do not have the energy to post my mostly useless entries and need to nurse myself back to health, I am not sleeping well, I am just not sleeping so I think anything I might post might be even more useless than ever before. How is that for honesty?

Anyway, for the few who read, send me good vibes please, I just do not feel good but I will be back when I feel better. I do thank the kind words of support that I have received. I am just SO sicky and tired but do appreciate your support.


Ron

Really thought I was going to die

I woke up in the wee hours with excruciating pain in my left lung area, I had been coughing for hours. I couldn't breathe, it was like a knife with every breath. Finally, after gasping for air and writhing in pain not sure I would even see the sun rise, I drove myself to the Emergency Room.

The nurse must have seen that I was in trouble and I was rushed to a room and put on oxygen. The nurse said my lips were slightly blue. They slapped an IV in my wrist and someone was drawing blood, lots of blood. someone came and took x-rays. They put two kinds of medications directly into the IV and within minutes I could breathe, I could actually breathe again.

So in addition to having pneumonia, I had Pleurisy which is an inflammation of the lining of the lungs that causes pain when you take a breath or cough . Countless hours and two shots in the ass later and feeling much better, they finally released me.

The stabbing pains have been reduced to slight discomfort when I do cough. I really did think I was going to die

I have pneumonia

I started feeling BLAH around December 10. I finally went to the Doctor on December 22 and was prescribed one of the cheaper generic antibiotics.

So eight days later my lungs hurt, my ribs hurt, breathing is a real effort and the dizziness was getting worse. This time they take X-rays and there it is. The antibiotic this time was $135.00.
10 pills @13.50 each. I just hope they do the job.

This was fun -- NOT

I passed out three times today. The first time it happened I thought I had tripped on something. The second, I was thinking WTF? Then I stopped by my mothers to drop something off and I passed out again crashing into her kitchen table and chairs. Almost scared the poor women to death.

I figured out that each time I was briefly aware of being dizzy and then WHAM. I also recall that each time I had been sitting and it happened when I stood up. I suspected it somehow related to a medication, so I went on a mission to find out if that was it. The culprit, the nicotine patches I just started wearing.

For now I must be careful when I stand up, but the patch is working and for that I a grateful.

I need to stop living in the past.

For sometime now, I have been trying to live in the past. Stay connected to things that were good. The past is just that, the past. I consider each year a chapter in our lives.

After Carol died, I got stuck and stayed stuck. Some good, some not so much. As 2008 approaches, it will began another chapter in my life.

I have already made many positive changes in my life and that will continue. I am not saying I want to forget the last three and half years, but I will tuck them away neatly and embrace 2008 with a new attitude. I will embrace the new year with anticipation of the many good things that can happen.

2008 will be what I make it.

Voyage of Discover

After meeting with my therapist earlier today, this really inspired me. I hope it inspires you too.



You are the person you have discovered yourself to be. And there is no limit to what you can discover.
The more you live and experience and accomplish, the more fully you evolve. Every moment is an opportunity to add strength and effectiveness to your life.
Every experience helps you more clearly see and understand the magnificent, enormous potential of your life. The joys and the sadness, the pleasures and the frustrations all enable valuable discoveries.
The more fully you understand who you are and what you have, the more effectively you can put it all to use. Take advantage of each opportunity for discovery, in each moment, in each encounter, and in each challenge.
Every experience is a learning experience. Every day is a voyage of discovery.
A lifetime of discovery awaits you right now. Climb aboard, eager and enthusiastic for whatever experience awaits, and begin the journey.
-- Ralph Marston

Amazing revelations

I just got home from seeing my therapist. The hypnotherapy was surreal for me, I have never been hypnotized and it was strange. I "think" I was aware of the entire session.

I will only share in generalities because of the personal nature of the issues. Things that did not surprise me were anger and bitterness surrounding my divorce.

I was shocked to learn I have issues from my childhood that I never resolved. I also have trust issues among others. I recall towards the end, I heard a voice (the therapist, DUH) making suggestive statements for each of the revealed issues. Very strange, the awareness yet almost like a dream. It really was an amazing experience.

She gave me more "homework" and said eventually she can teach me self-hypnosis. She also suggested that I quit taking two of the drugs I am taking, and I agreed. In all my 48 years I have never allowed anyone to tinker "under my hood", wish I had done this years ago.

Let Life's Richness Flow

Tomorrow, I see my new therapist again. Part of my homework was to "find" positive things anywhere I could. I found this and will bring it to my appointment tomorrow. Maybe it will help you too.


Accomplishment comes when you allow it. Fulfillment comes when you allow it.
Worry, resentment, anger, envy and fear all serve to prevent your best possibilities from being realized. The more you learn to let go of the negative influences, the more easily and naturally will the richness of life flow through you.
How many worthwhile and fulfilling experiences have you missed because you were worried about what others might think? How many precious days have you wasted by being filled with resentment or fear?
You have so many beautiful places to go. There are so many valuable and fulfilling things you can do.
Begin today to more faithfully follow those bright and shining purposes that are deep within you. Let the negative, limiting thoughts and perceptions fall quietly and uneventfully away from you as quickly as they come.
Open your spirit, and allow your most beautiful possibilities to come to life. Remember who you truly are, and let life's richness flow.
-- Ralph Marston

No more distractions

I have been distracted for the last couple of months. I just cannot afford to let this happen any longer. I found many years ago that using "to do" lists helped keep me focused.

For the first time in several months, I made a new list and it is so long, I had to break it down into several smaller lists. It was just too overwhelming, so I have multiple lists.

This is about is about putting distractions behind and focusing on things I need to do, want to do. It is progress, one "to do" list item at a time.

I plan to keep posting to my blog, as I have found this relaxes me and therapeutic.

How is your blood pressure?

I had to see a doctor a few days back because I was sick, ended up I had a severe URI. You know the drill, one thing they always check is your blood pressure, mine was 129/95. The nurse said the low number was too high.

I start thinking that my blood pressure at every doctor visit was always too high. When I filled my prescription, I bought a machine to check it at home. Today it was 119/75, better than average. I was pleased.

Anyway, they call high blood pressure the silent killer. I will check mine often. I hope if even one person with high blood pressure reads this and starts checking theirs often, perhaps I will have helped save a life with a blog post.

Do you know what your blood pressure is and what it should be?

In Loving Memory of My Dear Carol

On this Christmas Eve 2007, I dedicate this post to you Carol. The time we had will always be in my heart. This is my fourth Holiday Season without you and I still miss you so much and always will. I love you Carol.

Carol died on September 14, 2004 and on that day a part of me died with her. There is not a day that passes that I don't think about you, my Sweetheart.

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me, too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try and understand,
That an angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready
in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I'd always thought
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for
and so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible
that I am leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
I thought, just for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see your smile.

But then I fully realized
that this could never be.
For emptiness and memories
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things
that I'd miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God look down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity
and all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is passed,
but here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true,
Though there were times you did some things
you knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven,
and now at last your free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

Action and Attitude

Your actions affect your attitude and your attitude drives your actions. It can indeed be powerful to get your actions and your attitude working consistently in the same direction.
A small positive action can often make a big positive difference in your outlook on life. Even something quick and simple can shift your momentum.
In the same way, a small positive shift in your attitude can encourage you to take action when you previously were not inclined to do so. Just a brief empowering thought can get you moving forward.
So if you cannot quite bring yourself to take action, at the very least you can convince yourself to carry a more positive attitude. After all, thinking does not require any physical effort at all, and before long that positive attitude will surely lead you to take action.
Or, if you find yourself resisting a positive attitude, at the very least you can take some small beneficial action. And you'll be amazed at how soon that will lead to a more positive attitude.
Whether it's through your actions or through your attitude, there's always a way to introduce a more affirmative perspective into your life. Stay focused on the positive possibilities, and life will continue to grow more richly rewarding.
-- Ralph Marston


I have been down lately, perhaps it is the season or maybe being sick or both. I ran across the above and it actually lifted my spirits, not much, but it did.

Still sick

I guess it is my own fault, because I waited so long to see a doctor. I started feeling lousy on Dec 12 and have not been well since. I have a severe URI with a nasty cough to go with it.

There is a very good chance that I won't feel much better on Christmas. Thankfully, I didn't make any holiday travel plans.

Last year, I joined a huge family gathering and must say it was the best Christmas since Carol died. Lots of food and laughter, it was great. This year just a small gathering. I will make the best of being sick and spend quiet time with the planned small gathering.

Wishing you all a happy Holiday Season.

Practical jokesters

This is pretty funny.

I finally did it !!!!!!!!!

I changed the look of my blog. It took me some time but I figured it out. I have never been that good with computers beyond point and click. At one point, I was sure I "lost" my blog. I was sure I was going to just start a new one, but I figured that out too.

I know, BIG DEAL. It felt good to figure it on my own.


Let me know what you think of the changes?

Things that I am proud of

I am still working on the questionnaire from the new therapist. One section deals with things I have done that "made me proud/feel good".

It made me feel good when I completed this section because I really am a giving person, some examples are:

*I look after my elderly mother, even when she is being a major pain in the ass.
*I have spent countless hours helping friends "fix" broken things, never thought it was a big deal but apparently it is a good thing.
*I recently had a friend in need of help and I dropped what I was doing and spent a week helping my friend that was overwhelmed with the task(s) that needed doing.

I never really gave much thought to what I give, but it is a part of who I am. Maybe the therapist is trying to make me feel good, but in reality, I really do feel good helping others. Not a brag, but reviewing the good things I have done for others, it does make me feel good.

This is just one aspect of the assessment, there are parts that I am not so proud of, but overall I am feeling better about "who" I am.

Eating like a pig!!!!!

One of the things my therapist suggested was eating better, along with a suggested regimen of vitamins. I bought the suggested vitamins and some of the foods and feel like a pig.

Today I felt like a pig, I ate and ate and ATE. I guess I should not feel guilty but I do. I am still not completely off the smokes but damn, food tastes so good. I guess since I have lost so much weight it is not a big deal but I don't want to get fat either.

I am not going to question a good thing unless I see the scale is becoming my enemy. When did food become so yummy?

Up early

I woke up early and began working on the "homework" my new therapist gave me. I totally lost it half way through. In all my years dealing with "shrinks", I got 15 minutes and a prescription, THAT'S IT!!!!!

I have not cried so much over anything, other than losing Carol. This woman wants inside my head and for a man that is hard to fathom. I was raised to be strong, show no fear. Well, guess what, I am scared of things, I have just refused to "go there". I must let her in, I have no choice.

I wish I could see her today, tomorrow, TODAY, but the holidays get in the way. I will see her the week after Christmas. I suppose that will not be all bad, time to reflect. See what else "boils to the surface".

I am really excited about this.

I have been on a waiting list for about 6 weeks to see a certain therapist. I finally saw her for the first time today. She asked lots of questions and when we got to the part about what medications I was taking, she almost flipped out. She explained that every substance we put in our body effects the brain. She went on to say that the majority of people on anti-depressants do not belong taking them and that in her opinion do far more harm then good for the patient.
Anyway, I was on a new drug (developed in the 50s) that I had a bad reaction to and she said the MD that prescribed the drug should have his license pulled.
She explained how she operates and her goal is help me get off any meds. Next visit she is going to perform hypnotherapy on me. She says we all have issues that cannot be identified in a conscious state. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out and a workbook that she wants me to complete before my next appointment.
I am excited that I might be able to figure out and solve things and get off prescriptions all together.

More humor

Another of my favorites.

I need something funny to cheer me up.

I need some humor back in my life. I always thought this was funny. I guess I am just twisted, hope anyone that happens to peek gets a giggle too.

Note: you must double click the arrow at the bottom left to see the clip.

I have nothing to give right now

I terminated things with Deb. The few dinners and movies were a nice distraction but I am not willing, capable, or have the energy for her expectations. I certainly don't want to hurt her but she wants or needs more than I am willing or able to give her.

I have nothing to offer right now. 2007 has been a trying year for me. I have wounds to lick, emotional scars that need healing. I will seek out support where I cannot seem to help myself and hope 2008 is a year of healing and facing my grief.

I just have nothing to give right now.

Point of View

point of view n. pl. points of view
A manner of viewing things; an attitude.
A position from which something is observed or considered; a standpoint.
The attitude or outlook of a narrator or character in a piece of literature, a movie, or another art form.

I was discussing a subject with a friend today and our points of view were so different it was hard to believe. The exchange was not confrontational, but it perplexed me. Maybe it always will but one thing I took away from that conversation is that we can all look at the same thing, have different points of view and there can be many correct standpoints.

Boring post

NOT smoking is getting easier. Well, not easier but different. I know that having people that care giving encouragement is helping.

Later today, I will join the masses at the mall to finish Christmas shopping. This will be my first mall experience that WILL NOT include joining the smokers huddled around that stinky outdoor ashtray.

I warned you in the post title this is boring. I am guessing the few people that read this can not relate to the enormous emotional effort quiting nicotine takes (or should I say IS taking). I sometimes take it one minute at a time. The important thing for me is that I am no longer a smoker.

Introducing my number one "QUIT smoking" supporter.

This sassy thing is giving me the support to QUIT the cigs.

Not sure if she was trying to dodge me or just show off her ass, who cares.

We had lunch, then she helped me at Target to select new bed sheets and comforter set for my bed. She wanted to see where I fly and crash my airplanes, not much action there because it was cold.

We watched a movie at her house, but I was so tired she woke me up and sent me packing. She wanted me to see her daughter's band performance tonight but could see I was just too tired.

Tomorrow is up in the air because we are due to get 4-6 inches of snow in the next 24 hours. Anyway, things are going better than in the first week or so. Just have to see what happens, but she does have a nice ass, LOL

I was going to delete my blog but........

It is mine and I can do with it whatever I want. I know a few people read it from time to time. Life marches on in spite of hurtful things that happen.

The world is not a fair place and I am sure I will get hurt again, the names and places will just change. Sometimes even when you are loving, caring, and a very giving person life still serves you a shit sandwich.

I brushed my teeth and washed out my mouth and hope I don't get another shoved in my mouth for a very long time.

gone from feeling lousy to really sick

Now I am throwing up (how becoming), fever and chills. I hate being sick and will be glad when it passes. Did I mention how crappy I feel? Will someone bring me broth and tell me they love me?

Just not feeling well

I guess it started yesterday with my shoulder hurting. Maybe it is the lousy cold weather. I just don't feel good. I am crabby and not fit for company. I just feel ichy.

Men are such babies when they feel crappy and right now I wish Carol was here to bring me comfort food and tell me she loves me. Wishfull thinking and I still miss her so

What is wrong with me?

I have a beautiful 40 YO chasing after me and I really don't care. Before I met Carol and after my divorce I would have nailed her just because I could. Don't get me wrong she is not a slut, she just seems to be more into me than I care for at the moment.

For now, I have found refuse in music from my past. I am talking about my wild days, we are talking about Ted Nugent, April Wine, KISS, Jethro Tull, Van Halen, Molly Hatchet, you name it, I am back there living it.

In my wild days, I loved drag racing (street racing), hanging out with guys that also raced and taking advantage of any girl that was willing. I am too damned old to even think like that anymore, or am I. WTF, I am single I still like loud machines and loud music. Maybe I should just let the 40 YO have her way with me.

That is where I have changed. In my youth, I had no problem just f*&ing chicks and dumping them. Looking back I was a real bastard, I am not that guy and have no desire to be him. I still like loud machines and music but have learned to treat females with respect.

I really like the guy I have become. Yes, I have faults but I have treated the females in my life well in the last 20 years. For now Deb will just have to do without me, but HOT DAMN I can play my music loud and relive my wild and crazy past with Rockers that are probably in their rockers

Who is reading the crap I write?

Just curious who really reads the useless writings of this lost widower. My site meter goes up a little each day, but few comments are left. I just write whatever comes to mind, mostly boring drivel but I must wonder "who" reads the useless tidbits I post.

It would be nice to know who reads. Oh well, it doesn't matter, this is therapy for me. I do appreciate the few comments left so post your thoughts already dammit, LOL.

Bah Humbug

I just cannot muster any holiday spirit this year. My son and DIL don't seem to want to make the trip to St. Louis during their visit to Missouri. They have asked that I come see them at DIL's parents. That simply is not going to happen. If I am going to be at the bottom of the food chain then that is the way it is but I won't be used. If they want to see me, they will come and if they don't, it is their loss.

Last Christmas was wonderful. I spent the holidays with the love of my life and it was the best Christmas since Carol died. I was smitten, madly in love, head over heals, walk a million miles in love. Sadly that ended but that feeling of loving and being loved sure makes us feel good.

For now, I just cannot wait for 2008. It seems each year following Carol's death brings new surprises, some good and some not so much. I just hope 2008 brings more smiles than the last three, I have had enough heartache this year. BAH HUMBUG.

Prayers for Miriam

Please join me in praying for Miriam, she is Alicia's dear mother and she is undergoing cancer surgery as I write this post. My heart breaks for Alicia as she waits for the conclusion of the surgery and ultimately speaking with the surgeons.

I would encourage anyone who reads this to leave a comment that might bring comfort to the entire family in their time of need.

Miriam, I am praying for you!!!! May God guide the surgeon's hands as they try to heal your broken body.

She gave me her phone number........

Earlier today I posted this on the YWBB:

I guess being a “Gentleman” must turn women on. I had lunch at the “Bread Company” today, as I approached the door a group of women were behind me so I hold the door for them, no big deal right. I get in line, get my food, sit down and this women seated at the table next to me says “you are such a gentleman”, I must have had that “Huh?” look on my face. Then she says “you held the door for me, that is so sweet”, I say “no problem”, she says, “Hi, my name is Deb”.

The next thing I know, I am telling her I am widower. I normally don’t tell strangers that I am widowed, but it just came out during the conversation. I learn that she is 40, divorced 5 years and she thinks most men are pigs. I laughed (almost choked on my sandwich) when she said that because it is true.

Anyway, lunch is over, I am getting ready to leave and she hands me her business card and says “If you want to hold the door for me again, give me a call”. I get the “deer in the headlights” look, I said OK and nearly ran out of the place. I was sweating when I got to my truck, thinking WTF just happened, so I look at the card closely, job title is “Personnel Manager”. I laugh and figure “hell, maybe she would hire me”.

I must admit she was attractive and SHE “hit on me”, wow. I don’t know if I should call her or not. Now I have sweaty palms. The last time a woman “hit on me”, I married her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I did call her tonight and we talked for almost an hour. I must admit it is an ego booster to know that at least one woman finds me attractive. I must admit she IS attractive. I must admit I have no idea what will happen or if it will go anywhere or not but.......

We are either going to have lunch later this week or do something next Sunday or maybe both. I don't have any specific expectations other than have fun and enjoy "whatever" happens

10 years ago

1997 was a wonderful year, it was the year I met Carol. I met her in June and that Thanksgiving I met her parents. Some time shortly after we decided the relationship was exclusive but neither of wanted anymore than that. In April 1998, I proposed and I have never seen a bigger smile and she said YES. We were married on October 10, 1998, and we planned to grow old together.

Carol died on September 14, 2004, about 3 weeks before our 6th wedding anniversary. So much for growing old together. I miss her so much, 10 years after I met the adorable creature.

I wonder what memories and experiences I will be have in 2017 about the next 10 years ahead?