Really thought I was going to die

I woke up in the wee hours with excruciating pain in my left lung area, I had been coughing for hours. I couldn't breathe, it was like a knife with every breath. Finally, after gasping for air and writhing in pain not sure I would even see the sun rise, I drove myself to the Emergency Room.

The nurse must have seen that I was in trouble and I was rushed to a room and put on oxygen. The nurse said my lips were slightly blue. They slapped an IV in my wrist and someone was drawing blood, lots of blood. someone came and took x-rays. They put two kinds of medications directly into the IV and within minutes I could breathe, I could actually breathe again.

So in addition to having pneumonia, I had Pleurisy which is an inflammation of the lining of the lungs that causes pain when you take a breath or cough . Countless hours and two shots in the ass later and feeling much better, they finally released me.

The stabbing pains have been reduced to slight discomfort when I do cough. I really did think I was going to die

I have pneumonia

I started feeling BLAH around December 10. I finally went to the Doctor on December 22 and was prescribed one of the cheaper generic antibiotics.

So eight days later my lungs hurt, my ribs hurt, breathing is a real effort and the dizziness was getting worse. This time they take X-rays and there it is. The antibiotic this time was $135.00.
10 pills @13.50 each. I just hope they do the job.

This was fun -- NOT

I passed out three times today. The first time it happened I thought I had tripped on something. The second, I was thinking WTF? Then I stopped by my mothers to drop something off and I passed out again crashing into her kitchen table and chairs. Almost scared the poor women to death.

I figured out that each time I was briefly aware of being dizzy and then WHAM. I also recall that each time I had been sitting and it happened when I stood up. I suspected it somehow related to a medication, so I went on a mission to find out if that was it. The culprit, the nicotine patches I just started wearing.

For now I must be careful when I stand up, but the patch is working and for that I a grateful.

I need to stop living in the past.

For sometime now, I have been trying to live in the past. Stay connected to things that were good. The past is just that, the past. I consider each year a chapter in our lives.

After Carol died, I got stuck and stayed stuck. Some good, some not so much. As 2008 approaches, it will began another chapter in my life.

I have already made many positive changes in my life and that will continue. I am not saying I want to forget the last three and half years, but I will tuck them away neatly and embrace 2008 with a new attitude. I will embrace the new year with anticipation of the many good things that can happen.

2008 will be what I make it.

Voyage of Discover

After meeting with my therapist earlier today, this really inspired me. I hope it inspires you too.



You are the person you have discovered yourself to be. And there is no limit to what you can discover.
The more you live and experience and accomplish, the more fully you evolve. Every moment is an opportunity to add strength and effectiveness to your life.
Every experience helps you more clearly see and understand the magnificent, enormous potential of your life. The joys and the sadness, the pleasures and the frustrations all enable valuable discoveries.
The more fully you understand who you are and what you have, the more effectively you can put it all to use. Take advantage of each opportunity for discovery, in each moment, in each encounter, and in each challenge.
Every experience is a learning experience. Every day is a voyage of discovery.
A lifetime of discovery awaits you right now. Climb aboard, eager and enthusiastic for whatever experience awaits, and begin the journey.
-- Ralph Marston

Amazing revelations

I just got home from seeing my therapist. The hypnotherapy was surreal for me, I have never been hypnotized and it was strange. I "think" I was aware of the entire session.

I will only share in generalities because of the personal nature of the issues. Things that did not surprise me were anger and bitterness surrounding my divorce.

I was shocked to learn I have issues from my childhood that I never resolved. I also have trust issues among others. I recall towards the end, I heard a voice (the therapist, DUH) making suggestive statements for each of the revealed issues. Very strange, the awareness yet almost like a dream. It really was an amazing experience.

She gave me more "homework" and said eventually she can teach me self-hypnosis. She also suggested that I quit taking two of the drugs I am taking, and I agreed. In all my 48 years I have never allowed anyone to tinker "under my hood", wish I had done this years ago.

Let Life's Richness Flow

Tomorrow, I see my new therapist again. Part of my homework was to "find" positive things anywhere I could. I found this and will bring it to my appointment tomorrow. Maybe it will help you too.


Accomplishment comes when you allow it. Fulfillment comes when you allow it.
Worry, resentment, anger, envy and fear all serve to prevent your best possibilities from being realized. The more you learn to let go of the negative influences, the more easily and naturally will the richness of life flow through you.
How many worthwhile and fulfilling experiences have you missed because you were worried about what others might think? How many precious days have you wasted by being filled with resentment or fear?
You have so many beautiful places to go. There are so many valuable and fulfilling things you can do.
Begin today to more faithfully follow those bright and shining purposes that are deep within you. Let the negative, limiting thoughts and perceptions fall quietly and uneventfully away from you as quickly as they come.
Open your spirit, and allow your most beautiful possibilities to come to life. Remember who you truly are, and let life's richness flow.
-- Ralph Marston

No more distractions

I have been distracted for the last couple of months. I just cannot afford to let this happen any longer. I found many years ago that using "to do" lists helped keep me focused.

For the first time in several months, I made a new list and it is so long, I had to break it down into several smaller lists. It was just too overwhelming, so I have multiple lists.

This is about is about putting distractions behind and focusing on things I need to do, want to do. It is progress, one "to do" list item at a time.

I plan to keep posting to my blog, as I have found this relaxes me and therapeutic.

How is your blood pressure?

I had to see a doctor a few days back because I was sick, ended up I had a severe URI. You know the drill, one thing they always check is your blood pressure, mine was 129/95. The nurse said the low number was too high.

I start thinking that my blood pressure at every doctor visit was always too high. When I filled my prescription, I bought a machine to check it at home. Today it was 119/75, better than average. I was pleased.

Anyway, they call high blood pressure the silent killer. I will check mine often. I hope if even one person with high blood pressure reads this and starts checking theirs often, perhaps I will have helped save a life with a blog post.

Do you know what your blood pressure is and what it should be?

In Loving Memory of My Dear Carol

On this Christmas Eve 2007, I dedicate this post to you Carol. The time we had will always be in my heart. This is my fourth Holiday Season without you and I still miss you so much and always will. I love you Carol.

Carol died on September 14, 2004 and on that day a part of me died with her. There is not a day that passes that I don't think about you, my Sweetheart.

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me, too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try and understand,
That an angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready
in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I'd always thought
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for
and so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible
that I am leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
I thought, just for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see your smile.

But then I fully realized
that this could never be.
For emptiness and memories
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things
that I'd miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God look down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity
and all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is passed,
but here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true,
Though there were times you did some things
you knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven,
and now at last your free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

Action and Attitude

Your actions affect your attitude and your attitude drives your actions. It can indeed be powerful to get your actions and your attitude working consistently in the same direction.
A small positive action can often make a big positive difference in your outlook on life. Even something quick and simple can shift your momentum.
In the same way, a small positive shift in your attitude can encourage you to take action when you previously were not inclined to do so. Just a brief empowering thought can get you moving forward.
So if you cannot quite bring yourself to take action, at the very least you can convince yourself to carry a more positive attitude. After all, thinking does not require any physical effort at all, and before long that positive attitude will surely lead you to take action.
Or, if you find yourself resisting a positive attitude, at the very least you can take some small beneficial action. And you'll be amazed at how soon that will lead to a more positive attitude.
Whether it's through your actions or through your attitude, there's always a way to introduce a more affirmative perspective into your life. Stay focused on the positive possibilities, and life will continue to grow more richly rewarding.
-- Ralph Marston


I have been down lately, perhaps it is the season or maybe being sick or both. I ran across the above and it actually lifted my spirits, not much, but it did.

Still sick

I guess it is my own fault, because I waited so long to see a doctor. I started feeling lousy on Dec 12 and have not been well since. I have a severe URI with a nasty cough to go with it.

There is a very good chance that I won't feel much better on Christmas. Thankfully, I didn't make any holiday travel plans.

Last year, I joined a huge family gathering and must say it was the best Christmas since Carol died. Lots of food and laughter, it was great. This year just a small gathering. I will make the best of being sick and spend quiet time with the planned small gathering.

Wishing you all a happy Holiday Season.

Practical jokesters

This is pretty funny.

I finally did it !!!!!!!!!

I changed the look of my blog. It took me some time but I figured it out. I have never been that good with computers beyond point and click. At one point, I was sure I "lost" my blog. I was sure I was going to just start a new one, but I figured that out too.

I know, BIG DEAL. It felt good to figure it on my own.


Let me know what you think of the changes?

Things that I am proud of

I am still working on the questionnaire from the new therapist. One section deals with things I have done that "made me proud/feel good".

It made me feel good when I completed this section because I really am a giving person, some examples are:

*I look after my elderly mother, even when she is being a major pain in the ass.
*I have spent countless hours helping friends "fix" broken things, never thought it was a big deal but apparently it is a good thing.
*I recently had a friend in need of help and I dropped what I was doing and spent a week helping my friend that was overwhelmed with the task(s) that needed doing.

I never really gave much thought to what I give, but it is a part of who I am. Maybe the therapist is trying to make me feel good, but in reality, I really do feel good helping others. Not a brag, but reviewing the good things I have done for others, it does make me feel good.

This is just one aspect of the assessment, there are parts that I am not so proud of, but overall I am feeling better about "who" I am.

Eating like a pig!!!!!

One of the things my therapist suggested was eating better, along with a suggested regimen of vitamins. I bought the suggested vitamins and some of the foods and feel like a pig.

Today I felt like a pig, I ate and ate and ATE. I guess I should not feel guilty but I do. I am still not completely off the smokes but damn, food tastes so good. I guess since I have lost so much weight it is not a big deal but I don't want to get fat either.

I am not going to question a good thing unless I see the scale is becoming my enemy. When did food become so yummy?

Up early

I woke up early and began working on the "homework" my new therapist gave me. I totally lost it half way through. In all my years dealing with "shrinks", I got 15 minutes and a prescription, THAT'S IT!!!!!

I have not cried so much over anything, other than losing Carol. This woman wants inside my head and for a man that is hard to fathom. I was raised to be strong, show no fear. Well, guess what, I am scared of things, I have just refused to "go there". I must let her in, I have no choice.

I wish I could see her today, tomorrow, TODAY, but the holidays get in the way. I will see her the week after Christmas. I suppose that will not be all bad, time to reflect. See what else "boils to the surface".

I am really excited about this.

I have been on a waiting list for about 6 weeks to see a certain therapist. I finally saw her for the first time today. She asked lots of questions and when we got to the part about what medications I was taking, she almost flipped out. She explained that every substance we put in our body effects the brain. She went on to say that the majority of people on anti-depressants do not belong taking them and that in her opinion do far more harm then good for the patient.
Anyway, I was on a new drug (developed in the 50s) that I had a bad reaction to and she said the MD that prescribed the drug should have his license pulled.
She explained how she operates and her goal is help me get off any meds. Next visit she is going to perform hypnotherapy on me. She says we all have issues that cannot be identified in a conscious state. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out and a workbook that she wants me to complete before my next appointment.
I am excited that I might be able to figure out and solve things and get off prescriptions all together.

More humor

Another of my favorites.

I need something funny to cheer me up.

I need some humor back in my life. I always thought this was funny. I guess I am just twisted, hope anyone that happens to peek gets a giggle too.

Note: you must double click the arrow at the bottom left to see the clip.

I have nothing to give right now

I terminated things with Deb. The few dinners and movies were a nice distraction but I am not willing, capable, or have the energy for her expectations. I certainly don't want to hurt her but she wants or needs more than I am willing or able to give her.

I have nothing to offer right now. 2007 has been a trying year for me. I have wounds to lick, emotional scars that need healing. I will seek out support where I cannot seem to help myself and hope 2008 is a year of healing and facing my grief.

I just have nothing to give right now.

Point of View

point of view n. pl. points of view
A manner of viewing things; an attitude.
A position from which something is observed or considered; a standpoint.
The attitude or outlook of a narrator or character in a piece of literature, a movie, or another art form.

I was discussing a subject with a friend today and our points of view were so different it was hard to believe. The exchange was not confrontational, but it perplexed me. Maybe it always will but one thing I took away from that conversation is that we can all look at the same thing, have different points of view and there can be many correct standpoints.

Boring post

NOT smoking is getting easier. Well, not easier but different. I know that having people that care giving encouragement is helping.

Later today, I will join the masses at the mall to finish Christmas shopping. This will be my first mall experience that WILL NOT include joining the smokers huddled around that stinky outdoor ashtray.

I warned you in the post title this is boring. I am guessing the few people that read this can not relate to the enormous emotional effort quiting nicotine takes (or should I say IS taking). I sometimes take it one minute at a time. The important thing for me is that I am no longer a smoker.

Introducing my number one "QUIT smoking" supporter.

This sassy thing is giving me the support to QUIT the cigs.

Not sure if she was trying to dodge me or just show off her ass, who cares.

We had lunch, then she helped me at Target to select new bed sheets and comforter set for my bed. She wanted to see where I fly and crash my airplanes, not much action there because it was cold.

We watched a movie at her house, but I was so tired she woke me up and sent me packing. She wanted me to see her daughter's band performance tonight but could see I was just too tired.

Tomorrow is up in the air because we are due to get 4-6 inches of snow in the next 24 hours. Anyway, things are going better than in the first week or so. Just have to see what happens, but she does have a nice ass, LOL

I was going to delete my blog but........

It is mine and I can do with it whatever I want. I know a few people read it from time to time. Life marches on in spite of hurtful things that happen.

The world is not a fair place and I am sure I will get hurt again, the names and places will just change. Sometimes even when you are loving, caring, and a very giving person life still serves you a shit sandwich.

I brushed my teeth and washed out my mouth and hope I don't get another shoved in my mouth for a very long time.

gone from feeling lousy to really sick

Now I am throwing up (how becoming), fever and chills. I hate being sick and will be glad when it passes. Did I mention how crappy I feel? Will someone bring me broth and tell me they love me?

Just not feeling well

I guess it started yesterday with my shoulder hurting. Maybe it is the lousy cold weather. I just don't feel good. I am crabby and not fit for company. I just feel ichy.

Men are such babies when they feel crappy and right now I wish Carol was here to bring me comfort food and tell me she loves me. Wishfull thinking and I still miss her so

What is wrong with me?

I have a beautiful 40 YO chasing after me and I really don't care. Before I met Carol and after my divorce I would have nailed her just because I could. Don't get me wrong she is not a slut, she just seems to be more into me than I care for at the moment.

For now, I have found refuse in music from my past. I am talking about my wild days, we are talking about Ted Nugent, April Wine, KISS, Jethro Tull, Van Halen, Molly Hatchet, you name it, I am back there living it.

In my wild days, I loved drag racing (street racing), hanging out with guys that also raced and taking advantage of any girl that was willing. I am too damned old to even think like that anymore, or am I. WTF, I am single I still like loud machines and loud music. Maybe I should just let the 40 YO have her way with me.

That is where I have changed. In my youth, I had no problem just f*&ing chicks and dumping them. Looking back I was a real bastard, I am not that guy and have no desire to be him. I still like loud machines and music but have learned to treat females with respect.

I really like the guy I have become. Yes, I have faults but I have treated the females in my life well in the last 20 years. For now Deb will just have to do without me, but HOT DAMN I can play my music loud and relive my wild and crazy past with Rockers that are probably in their rockers

Who is reading the crap I write?

Just curious who really reads the useless writings of this lost widower. My site meter goes up a little each day, but few comments are left. I just write whatever comes to mind, mostly boring drivel but I must wonder "who" reads the useless tidbits I post.

It would be nice to know who reads. Oh well, it doesn't matter, this is therapy for me. I do appreciate the few comments left so post your thoughts already dammit, LOL.

Bah Humbug

I just cannot muster any holiday spirit this year. My son and DIL don't seem to want to make the trip to St. Louis during their visit to Missouri. They have asked that I come see them at DIL's parents. That simply is not going to happen. If I am going to be at the bottom of the food chain then that is the way it is but I won't be used. If they want to see me, they will come and if they don't, it is their loss.

Last Christmas was wonderful. I spent the holidays with the love of my life and it was the best Christmas since Carol died. I was smitten, madly in love, head over heals, walk a million miles in love. Sadly that ended but that feeling of loving and being loved sure makes us feel good.

For now, I just cannot wait for 2008. It seems each year following Carol's death brings new surprises, some good and some not so much. I just hope 2008 brings more smiles than the last three, I have had enough heartache this year. BAH HUMBUG.

Prayers for Miriam

Please join me in praying for Miriam, she is Alicia's dear mother and she is undergoing cancer surgery as I write this post. My heart breaks for Alicia as she waits for the conclusion of the surgery and ultimately speaking with the surgeons.

I would encourage anyone who reads this to leave a comment that might bring comfort to the entire family in their time of need.

Miriam, I am praying for you!!!! May God guide the surgeon's hands as they try to heal your broken body.

She gave me her phone number........

Earlier today I posted this on the YWBB:

I guess being a “Gentleman” must turn women on. I had lunch at the “Bread Company” today, as I approached the door a group of women were behind me so I hold the door for them, no big deal right. I get in line, get my food, sit down and this women seated at the table next to me says “you are such a gentleman”, I must have had that “Huh?” look on my face. Then she says “you held the door for me, that is so sweet”, I say “no problem”, she says, “Hi, my name is Deb”.

The next thing I know, I am telling her I am widower. I normally don’t tell strangers that I am widowed, but it just came out during the conversation. I learn that she is 40, divorced 5 years and she thinks most men are pigs. I laughed (almost choked on my sandwich) when she said that because it is true.

Anyway, lunch is over, I am getting ready to leave and she hands me her business card and says “If you want to hold the door for me again, give me a call”. I get the “deer in the headlights” look, I said OK and nearly ran out of the place. I was sweating when I got to my truck, thinking WTF just happened, so I look at the card closely, job title is “Personnel Manager”. I laugh and figure “hell, maybe she would hire me”.

I must admit she was attractive and SHE “hit on me”, wow. I don’t know if I should call her or not. Now I have sweaty palms. The last time a woman “hit on me”, I married her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I did call her tonight and we talked for almost an hour. I must admit it is an ego booster to know that at least one woman finds me attractive. I must admit she IS attractive. I must admit I have no idea what will happen or if it will go anywhere or not but.......

We are either going to have lunch later this week or do something next Sunday or maybe both. I don't have any specific expectations other than have fun and enjoy "whatever" happens

10 years ago

1997 was a wonderful year, it was the year I met Carol. I met her in June and that Thanksgiving I met her parents. Some time shortly after we decided the relationship was exclusive but neither of wanted anymore than that. In April 1998, I proposed and I have never seen a bigger smile and she said YES. We were married on October 10, 1998, and we planned to grow old together.

Carol died on September 14, 2004, about 3 weeks before our 6th wedding anniversary. So much for growing old together. I miss her so much, 10 years after I met the adorable creature.

I wonder what memories and experiences I will be have in 2017 about the next 10 years ahead?

Nicotine

Nicotine is THE most addictive substance known to man. I was shocked when I learned this fact. To make matters worse, the companies that produce tobacco products now ADD nicotine to keep people using their products. That really pisses me off and even more determined to free myself from this addiction.

When I decided to give up my vices and get healthy, I gave up alcohol and caffiene surprisingly easy. I didn't sleep well for a week or so but for the amount of booze, java and tea I was consuming it was not that hard to give up. The nicotine is proving to be the most difficult.

For any smokers that happen to read this and you are ready to quit, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW. It is free and they enroll you for online help, mail you a workbook and coaches are available 7 days a week from 7 am-11pm. Although my original goal was to quit on my birthday, I have made progress and I will pry myself from the clutches of nicotine.

Single again

I am getting used to the idea of being single again. I have not felt single since I met Carol. When I met Carol I really had no intentions of marriage again but she stole my heart.

My life since her death has been an emotional roller coaster. The highs wonderful, the lows dreadful, I have learned many things about grief and that much of my grief I dealt with in negative ways. I can concentrate on my own defects and self-improvement now. That is a difficult task when you are emotionally investing heavily in a LDR. I really tried but it was a strain for both of us.

So I am single again until a sneaky woman like Carol catches me off guard. Actually being relieved of that pressure is starting to help me relax and work on me for a change.

Newton's Third Law

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The statement means that in every interaction, there is a pair of forces acting on the two interacting objects. The size of the forces on the first object equals the size of the force on the second object. The direction of the force on the first object is opposite to the direction of the force on the second object. Forces always come in pairs - equal and opposite action-reaction force pairs.

The same can be said for relationships, when the forces of one are wrong, the polarity changes and as once two magnets attracted, they now push away.

NOW I GET IT, just too late.

Still a struggle but I will WIN

I am winning, the cigs are losing. It is a hard battle as the person I want to support is gone. I want so much to connect there but cannot.

Just a loss I have no control over. A loss I wish could have been prevented but out of my hands now. I am to blame but still it hurts, I miss her so much. I can do this without her, I survived Carol's death without her and I will do this alone and come out winning.

I think I found a gym that is right for me, just want my doc to sign off on it before I join. I want my health back, and GD I will get that. I really think that my relationship was not all my fault but that is for another day.

I treated her like a queen in many ways and then not. So it is my fault, but I want to fix me and make sure I never make the same mistakes. I just wish I had not fucked this up but I did and I must live with that. I hope to meet my next queen and not make the same mistakes.

I know I can, I WILL

Ron

I DID it. I QUIT

I finally said goodbye to cigs. I had a procedure called Aurucular Therapy done. The doctor did an evaluation which took longer than the procedure but well worth it. I was brutally honest about every question and he had answers. My lifestyle and habits WILL change.


On my way home, I had the urge but it passed. Then I started thinking about all the good things about not smoking. The biggy was kissing. I have been told by several women that I am awesome at kissing (not bragging). Well if they could get past the smoke smell and still think I am that good, what will happen when my mouth is fresh and free of smoker's breath?

I look forward to kissing again

My birthday present to me

Friday November 23rd is my birthday and the last of smoking for me. I am having a procedure done called Auricular Therapy done. I am really excited about getting rid of this vile habit. There so many reasons TO QUIT.

I am also going to put 3 bucks a day in a jar and put that towards a dental cleaning. It will be nice to white teeth not marred by cigarette stains.

Maybe one day I can walk hand in hand with the woman I love without smelling like an ashtray and a pack of cigs in my pockets.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

Nothing last forever

It occurred to me as I was installing a new exterior light fixture on my porch that NOTHING lasts forever. THINGS in our lives get lost, broken or just wear out. We replace or repair our things, easy enough.

The same can be said for people in our lives, they die, divorce, break-up or simply fade from our lives. I have much to say about these losses but it just to painful right now.

I have a broken watch on my kitchen island left by a friend who said "just toss it, I'll get a new one". That broken watch is a symbol to me, I refuse to toss something that can be fixed. So for now the watch stays with hope of fixing what it means to me.

Lost Puppy

I woke up this morning feeling so lost. It reminded me of another sad thing that happened when I was 10 or 11 years old. We lived in Redlands, CA and my new puppy ran away or got lost/stolen. I searched for my puppy every day for over a month.

I never did find the little guy and I cried and was sad but I survivied.

Now I feel like the lost puppy who wants to be found. I just hope I find my way home to people who love me. Are they looking for me? Do they care enough to search for me? Did they ever love me? Please find me, I miss you.

It was time, the right time.

I did it. I purged my cell phone of contacts that are no longer people I call or call me. The really hard one to delete was my speed dial #2 (speed dial # is voice mail). My contact list is down to just a few select now. So the cell phone is fixed.

I also deleted several links to sites I often visited on the web. I guess it is the next right thing for me (swallowing hard) but reality. Thinking my Pogo account is next. I love some of the games but it is just waste of time, but has been fun.

For now, ignorance is bliss. Thanks for reading

Ron

It is all about ME

For now I am making this blog all about me. Well, I guess mosts blogs are anyway. So todayI am off to:
1) The hobby store to buy parts for a crashed plane.
2) Head to the flying field to have some fun with friends (and probably another crash)
3) Stop at the grocery store for something special for dinner.
4) head to my support group for some much needed interaction with some new friends.
5) Maybe a little TV.

My emotions are all over the board right now, so I am taking some very sour lemons and try to create the sweetest lemonade possible. I will drink of it even though I know the first sips will be bitter. Building my new life, one sip at a time.

End of a relationship

Well, it happened, the relationship I was in is over. I won’t share any details because that is private. None the less it is over and there is nothing I can do about it, I cannot change other’s feelings. Rejections sucks, a kick in the gut I didn’t see coming.

It really sucks because now I must grieve yet another loss in my life. I had such hopes that were just taken away by a phone call.

So now what? As today progressed I had to come up with a self-preservation/sanity plan. I have one of sorts which I am sure will evolve as time marches on.

Rules of my plan
1) Allow myself to grieve this loss.
2) Be selfish for a change (Do not offer support that sucks the life out of ME)
3) See a counselor (Thank God my church offers it for free) I unload for the first time this Friday (Ironic, the day I was heading off to see her).
4) Get my body in better shape (getting bike fixed so I can actually ride it), walk one mile per day (gunna suck in the cold but oh well), going to work on “six pack” abs (and not the kind you get from Corona, LOL)
5) Plan carefully and stick to a schedule that allows productivity and fun things
6) Dig through music collection and find uplifting music to listen to.

It is not perfect, but it is a start. It sure as hell beats a pity party or pining after someone who no longer wishes to have a relationship. I CAN DO THIS!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!

My wife is still dead

In two days, it will be three years since my soul mate died. The date was September 14, 2004; Tuesday at around 1:15 PM she was “declared” brain dead but the head of neurology at one of the best hospitals in St. Louis.

He was a total asshole, treated her like a piece of meat. Dead meat, what a fucker. She was my beloved wife you sorry excuse for a human being, try showing some compassion.

Back to reality, she had her heart attack on Friday September 10, 2004, declared dead on Tuesday September 14, 2004. Now three years later, the date of her death falls on Friday and Friday evenings are hard for me because she fell ill on a Friday afternoon/evening when she should have been coming home to me for a weekend of our usual junk.

She is still dead and I am still alive and my “divorce from hell” was a “cakewalk” compared to losing my Carol. I think this year is even harder than last year, just reality biting me in the ass. I am torn between Carol and my new lover.

I love them both, different yet conflicted. I will always love Carol but I love Alicia with all my heart. She is such an awesome person, yet she is up to her eyeballs in grief. She is moving far, far away to be with her family and I “get that” yet I am not sure what that means for “US” and I want there to be an “US”. Big sigh.

That is my rambling for tonight. I hope it all works out but please pray for Alicia and her boys and her mother and her sister….and and and ….

Ron

Music is my friend

Right now music is my only comfort. Listening to the “Forrest Gump” sound track as I write this entry. Much of the music from that movie is from my childhood and teen years.

I am such a lost puppy right about now. I want so much for Carol to be by my side with a conflicting side story of deep love that would not be possible without her death. THIS really sucks!!!!! My widow friends GET IT, but the rest of the world is DGI about such matters. (BIG SIGH).

How do I resolve that conflict in my feeble little mind, oh and toss in a measure of uncertainty about my second love and I am a total mess. My SO “might” move which in my mind spells the end. Oh, the dread in my mind, the thought of that loss is unspeakable. I REALLY LOVE HER. I really hope it works out but there is only so much that we can control (crossed fingers and heart).

Back to my music.

Ron

Can I Sleep In Your Arms?

Can I Sleep in Your Arms?



Can I sleep in your arms, tonight, lady?
It's so cold lyin' here all alone.
An' I have no hold to hold on you.
An', I assure you, I'll do you no wrong.

Don't know why, but the one I love left me.
Left me lonely an' cold an' so weak.
And I need someone's arms to hold me.
Till I'm strong enough to get back on my feet.

Can I sleep in your arms, tonight, lady?
It's so cold lyin' here all alone.
An' I have no hold to hold on you.
An', I assure you, I'll do you no wrong.

Can I sleep in your arms, tonight, lady?
It's so cold lyin' here all alone.
And I have no hold to hold on you.
An', I assure you, I'll do you no wrong.

I have always been a huge fan of Willie Nelson’s music and this song has a significant place in my grief journey. I cannot believe that the first time I heard this particular song until after Carol’s death. It was one of those profound moments that I will never forget.

As the third anniversary of Carol’s death closes in on me, I find myself turning to music for comfort. Music has brought me joy and comfort since my childhood. I would do almost anything to go back and relive those years, kinda a “do-over” but reality sinks in and I know that just ain’t a happenin’ thing. Oh well, I can dream.

For anyone reading this, I am just rambling about some of the random garbage running through my widow brain. I am determined to toss my “stuff” onto this blog and if it silly who cares if makes me feel better. I feel better.

September 14, 2007 will be 3 years since she died

I have not blogged for a long time. My life and mood since my dear Carol died has been much like a roller coaster, UP and DOWN. I bought a Harley and focused on "being cool" until my back gave out.

My new focus is on facing my grief and "fixing" things in my life that I feel are out of whack. OH that is a long list. More on that later (well maybe).

I have given up the Harley per Dr's orders and found a new hobby. Time to sell that toy and replace it with other toys. Why do I need toys? Did I ever grow up or am I trying to "replace" my loss? That is a struggle for me. There is no hobby that can replace my dear wife.

I feel I am making progress, well at least a little. This blog update is a start. Progress!!! That works for me, for now.

Ron